Dust has not yet settled

After going through so many, the day had finally come. My mother returned to her homeland. It's been 25 years since she last went back. I've waited 25 years.

Since last year November, I'd done everything I could do at Singapore to help the authority to investigate our case. The verdict was out on end of May. Both of my parents got themselves a warning and my mother was advised to go back to Malaysia to legalize her nationality status. Now there she is there, she still got another mission beside legalizing her status. That is to help legalize ours. My sisters and I. Our nationality status are as complicated as her if not worst. I can only hope the authority at Malaysia will help simplify the issue.

The night before my Mother left for Malaysia, I explained the situation to her once more because when she is there I can't help much if she doesn't take the lead. She can't speak much Malayu and she is in a unfamiliar place with unfamiliar people. It's actually quite scary for most people. I hope she will be strong and have fun in between waiting time from the authority.

Time, Town, Test

Has it been that things around me changed too rapidly or has it been me not being prepared for them? I don't know, but I'm starting to feel that I need some help reading my life. My mother would be leaving tomorrow for her quest of bringing me and my sister identity at Malaysia. Beside at the start when she would be accompanied by my father and my sister friend, she would be alone most of the time after the first few days. Our family haven't been separated ever since 20 years ago, her Malaysia trips this time is probably going to take months before we even get the chance to see each other again. I hope she can handle it, I hope all of us can, too. This is only the first big changes this week for me.

I'm starting work the coming Monday. I've got the consent from the authority and I'm allowed to work legally now. Not only I have little knowledge for the company I'm working at, which is my friend's, I don't quite know what I'm supposed to do there. My friend told me I would be learning and working at the same time, I hope I would not be a burden to him. I'm not gonna lie, I'm feeling a little nervous. A bit more, maybe.

I don't know.

When you said 'Leave it to me.', I left it to you. When you said 'Everything is gonna be alright.', I trusted you. When you said 'Never mind about it.', I lived carefree. I continued to live that way, until all your lies crumbled slowly day by day. I had to start worrying. Worrying about everything. It was too much for for the young me to realize and to face them all at once.

I ran away. I deny to admit them. I deny to admit the troubles you had failed to solve. I hoped to let the problems solve itself. That didn't happen. I had to take over. When I started collecting the puzzle pieces for the problem's solution, you continued your lies. Only then I knew, the reason that you lied. Your lies not only deceived me, but they also you, the person who came out with them. You believed what you said, even when they weren't even close to the facts.

I was confused, I'm still being confused. Should I put the blame on you? Why should I not?

What face should I put on when facing you? Face of hatred or face of forgiveness?


I don't know.