Questing adventurer

I need to learn to be grateful. I decided to do that because I read an article last week on how not to be jealous of things. The very first rule described in that article was one has to be grateful to things. I thought it kinda made sense to me. I didn't give much thoughts to it (nor do I give anything else lately anyway), but it being the one of the few articles I read recently I wasn't presented much choices either.

But the sarcastic thing is, I've only just recalled it. It was the first thing I that came to me when I was short of things to say for a thank you message on Facebook. It kinda work, because the words that appeared on my display monitor were like something I read on my friend's wall. Those posts that made my eyes roll every time I come across them. I guess I should try not to be funny once in a while for my own good.

I've managed to build a diffuser for my speedlite, something that kept bothering me the past 2 weeks. I don't know if it help in my portrait lightning or not because it is no longer being the point to me, the point has become if I accomplished what I decided to accomplish. I like to get things done after they made me made up my mind. The moment when I decided to do something, they transform from 'things' into 'quest'. The worst feeling at this point of time is failing a quest, I would like to try my best to prevent it from happening and when I realise I'm not even trying I become very down and disappointed with myself. Yeah, shitty feeling.

外面的雪好大

这一个多月来，我变得很懒。每一天都不记得做过什么就过了。有时候一个礼拜我都是昏昏沉沉的，做什么都提不起劲。我好像不认得我是谁了，身体好像被风吹过的蒲公英一样，散落在四处。我想过要恢复原状，但身体和脑袋变得好陌生了，它们之间的交流只剩最基本的生存需要。

因此，身体跟不上脑袋了，脑袋想做好多好多事可她却只能停留在想。很可怕，万一，身体觉得脑袋很烦而和她断绝关系。。。不行，我一定要让他们和好，不然倒霉的就是我了。

从今天开始，我要从新开始做记录。我每天都要把我想要做的事写下来。我要清楚地看到我到底在想什么，是真的想做还是只胡思乱想。分清楚之后，把重要的事做记号。剩下的我就去海边把它们交给大海，让大海替我把它们分给别的做梦的人。而我就在也不去想，不让自己记得。现在就开始。

我必须做自己，想做什么，就要想办法去完成。什么都有方法的。离开不认同的人和团体。

有些生物不需要我来操心。

我喜欢摄影，我觉得摄影家是一个伟大的职业。他们的任务是寻找美，发现美，留住美。

很有意义，我想成为一个摄影家去帮助别人。

我喜欢音乐，音乐是无国籍的，和我一样，音乐让流浪的人想家，世界和平的密码就藏在音符里。

Timetwister

When we were young, we had no idea what time really was. We lived our days as if it would never end. The characters in our favorite cartoons never grew old, whether we saw them today or tomorrow, it didn't matter on their age. That was the time when we thought we were like them, too, we were what we were and would always be. Slowly, we realised that wasn't the reality. Cartoons's characters retained their youth, but out friends didn't. Our parents didn't. Reflections are the only way we see our own faces, most of the time during a day we see others's. So, it is important who we choose to be around with, because we seldom tell ourselves how swiftly and helplessly time is passing, the people around do. They remind us how precious time would be and is, it will all be gone sooner than anyone has expected. That sounds scary, but since when truths aren't?

Spend your time wisely, do the things you want to do and don't regret any choices you made, be responsible to them instead.

Psych

"I hate Sunday."

That clause basically sums this post up, I can literally stop here and submit it to Blogger. But I won't, because I don't want myself to look like a person who is too lazy to do some thinking. Does that mean this is a topic that deserve more words if thoughts should be put into it? Yes, absolutely yes. Honestly speaking, Sunday isn't really the worst day in the calendar--Monday is actually the winner. Let me be more elaborated a bit in explaining why Sunday isn't as bad a day as everyone thinks. At first, because I thought that the day that comes after Sunday is Monday, which is a work day, because of that I always liked to conserve my energy on Sunday in order to prepare for it. But that didn't help much, when Monday comes, the struggle it brought couldn't really be avoided. No matter how much rest you took on Sunday, you still feel the same helplessness on Monday. And so, when you realize this fact, you live your Sunday as if Monday never comes. In short, the torture on Sunday is psychological; Monday's torture is physical. 

Still, my energy level is usually low on Sundays. To counter that, in the case for today, I forced myself to go out. Slowly regaining my energy back while I worked thru to my destination. By the time I arrived there, I don't feel the gloominess of Sunday anymore.

Using a finite amount of time to accomplish infinite things.

Ready or not, it's time to go. I will be a Malaysian. I will be leaving Singapore, hopefully not for good, for Malaysia to settle my sister's and mine identity crisis. There are a few things I need to take care of before leaving. First, my father won't not be going with us because I don't think it's a good idea. I need him to stay in Singapore, in case anything needs to be done over here. After we left, he will be all alone. He will also need to be able to support himself. Mentally and financially. Top priority now is to get him a job. Second, I need to locate a place for my sisters and I to base on while we wait for the Malaysia authority to reply. Hopefully some place that allows us to stay for at least a month. Ideally owned by people we know. Third, out stuff in that cannot be brought along to Malaysia have to stay in Singapore, minimally. That means we will be discarding a lot of the furniture, clothes, and so on. But we cannot be throwing things mindlessly. So I will be trying to fund our trip by selling those stuff. Fourth, the house we currently live in has to be returned to the owner. Because we won't be able to pay for the rent in Singapore while also the one in Malaysia. Fifth, also our job. I need to arrange with my superior to allow me to work out of office. That is going to be our main income in Malaysia while we wait so I really have to make sure it is working. My sister's will not be doable, they will have to stay at home most of the time. Sixth, I also have to make sure my mind will work, because everything lie on top of my shoulder, I really should think twice 2 times before deciding on anything. 

Other than those issues, I'm actually quite looking forward to it for it to happen. We have never travelled before, the experience is going to be a fruitful one. We are comfortable living in our flat now, in Singapore, but we really cannot let things continue like this. Seriously. Time is finite, we should not spend them on pleasant things. We need to experience stuff, all kind of stuff

Earliest we can go will be early May, although I really don't think so. I would say it will be somewhere around late June or early July.. 

Cow

Whenever I think of cow, I remember the Chinese zodiac myth. In the mythical story, a race which all the 12 animals took part in, the cow's honesty was exploited by the mouse, which was small in size and could never outrun all of the animals, by resting on its head and jumped to the shore at the very last minute. The story gives many the impression that cows are honest animal. Cows certainly wouldn't agree. They are smart animals, they know how to stay low in order to have fresh grass to eat everyday. Unless a situation calls it, they wouldn't resort to their brute force. Generally I like cows, they are strong, intelligent, and I find their look to be cute. A pair of big eyes, blocky face, and a pair of oval ears are all their facial trademarks. Some species even have horns grow on top of the head and between the ears. Their meat are tasty, because they eat only vegetables and exercise a lot, probably. 

It's not common in the country where I reside for cows to be seen, they usually stationed in zoo. Some lucky ones are able to stay in outside world, by outside world I meant farm, where they are trapped and be forced to produce ingredient for dairy products. 

In Spain, they are also many voices to stop the abusive activities on them.

Mouse

Today’s topic for my note is mouse. I know what a mouse supposed to look like. Their bodies are elongated, tails that are longer than the bodies’s length are attached at the end of the bodies. From as close as 5 meters away, their bodies resemble the shape of correction tape. None of their limbs can be seen at average human height because they are usually tucked underneath those unproportionate body sizes. They appear to have very short necks or none at all. Because most of us hate mice and will exterminate them if we encounter one, evolution theory probably was the culprit who granted them their head to be triangular. This triangular-shaped head are very important to a mouse’s evasion. The head completes a mouse cone shape anatomy, making them more capable to go into tighter places with small openings. Also some of their cuteness were contributed by the head, too, because of it makes the eyes they are carrying appear larger. Despite being a little cute, they usually cause more harm than good to us human. Several disastrous plagues in human history were were all caused by mice because of their mobility that made them everywhere.

The thinker

When it comes to studying, be it with Youtube videos tutorials or actual books, I can say it is using majority of my free time. Based on my 20+ years of observation of everyday things, there is no bottom for any subject being studied. For obvious reason, us human are basically using limited amount of our time to explore this infinite amount of universe, no matter what direction we take, there is no end. But we are very naive, to the extent that even if we knew the result at the end isn't really "the" result, we still keep going. To me, that is the most powerful and wonderful thing to any human being. We just have to keep going forward, keep exploring, getting as close to the goal as we can. Beautiful.

When people stopped learning, people died. They simply stopped functioning as a organism. They become robots. Robots don't learn by themselves; they don't choose what they want to learn. But they still do, with the help of an organism - human, one who is still consciously learning. The bots received what ever knowledge or instructions the human presented to them. They become what the others wanted them to become. Big surprise, most of the people I know are bots, some of them are cyborg(half bot, half human, they can go either way depending on their will), only a handful of them are still human.

Myself? I don't really want to be all arrogant and all, but I like to think I'm a human because I think, and also because I think why I think.

Rarest creature - God of Gambler

"I'm in a bad mood today, let's go and have some fun."

"By fun, do you mean let's go to casino?"

"Yeah."

And that conversation helped the casino by deducting $200 from my bank account. But the money weren't as well spent as my first casino donation. It was withing my expectation, that I would never get to have the same thrill I felt during my firs trip to the entertainment center. It's probably the 5th, or 6th times I entered the door of the casino, and I had been having less and less reason to do it. Eventually, they will be reduced to only 1, and it will be the worst 1--to make money. I wouldn't say that never happened to any one during the history of any casino, but their number you can probably count with both of your hands. 

"Carry a large sum of money, get into the casino, win a round, get out of there. "

This sentence will most likely be 1 of the more ridicule 1 among all the life jokes. (And most of the life jokes are pretty tough to beat.) I can't be too sure of myself when speaking of ever to enter the casino again, because I can get quite yes-man-ish when I'm among friends, I just hope that the next time when I'm going there, I'm doing it with a lot of reasons. I also need to learn to be sad when I lose money, or win money, whatever. 

Best invention are done by worst intentions.

Chill, I'm gonna take go out and take some photo tomorrow. I think late afternoon, somewhere between 4pm-6pm, is a good timing for the plan. I've gotta find a theme to go along with it, though, I'm trying to not just take photos, but make them. Because when I think of how Maurice see his photography, he always let his camera and lens take charge on how his photos turn out to look. Basically, what I'm trying to say is that if he hands his photography gears to another person, who at least knows how to press the shutter button, the shot that will be taken will more or less look the same. The photography online lessons I've been attending in the past 2 weeks have thought me that every good photos have a story to tell. The photographer is the author of the story, he must carefully write it, make sure its sentences flow smoothly, are passing a clear message. Yes, sometimes the camera and the lens will get everything right, which surprises even the photographer itself. But good photos are the ones followed closely the intentions of the photographers. The viewers reaction should be more or less be predicted by the person who shot it, or even before he did.

Puzzled Maze

I feel so uneasy with my father and decong around, that seem to spoil the balance of the peacefulness in my house. I feel restrained with them around, so strange. They are by no mean strangers to me, but I just can't bring myself to talk to them sincerely. I usually want to complete my daily tasks when I have free time , but with them around I have so much more to worry. I gotta change this situation, else it will hinder my training. Like now, I'm writing just to make myself follow my training schedule, it should continue no matter what is stopping it. After this, I'm planning to do one more thing. Maybe listen to some music and read for 20 mins, or play my FF13-2, yeah, probably that. I'm quite inclined to watch some Premier pro, inDesign, or Photography videos but I have watched a couple of them already this afternoon, so I'm probably not going to until tomorrow. I think I also have some tasks to complete, I can find them in my to do list. I better sort them out or else they gonna get piled up. That's cool, I get to sort my thoughts within 20 mins, I plan to spend a whole afternoon to concentrate on that task. Most likely gonna do it in Starbucks, ones with outdoor sit so I can observe people, observe life. Slow down, think, slow down even further. That is a luxury to me, I, like most people at this age, am occupied with 1 too many worries to slam the break. I like to think, I also like to think why I think. Sometimes I think before I realised why or how I think, I like to know the causes. By writing them down is the best way I can think of, there are probably a better way out there, but I just gonna try to write them down once before I start judging which is the winner.

Yeah, write them down, think, write more of them down so I can interpret them visually, to see what is not necessary, keep the gem, streamline my thought process.

You've got a message!

I went to sleep last night with very little hope that I could wake up refreshed. Surprisingly I was wrong, it was not as bad as I predicted before I sleep, although it was pretty bad. Energy surrounded me were having a hard time finding an entrance into my body shell. They were absolutely there, I could feel their presence, just that the locks that guarded the entrance were too solid. Admittedly, no matter how stubborn a lock wants to be, if can be opened with the right key. With the aforementioned key, I can let the energy not go to waste, but my mind was rejecting the search for it as well. 

Okay, so no energy for me before lunch, I gave in and accepted the fate. My body had switched to auto-pilot mode to conserve the isolated energy within it, my mind drifted along. I had very little memory of what went passed in front of me, they were light flash light at maximum power, too bright be accepted by my eyes's pupils. The only thing that made an impression to me during the train ride to office, was a white lady who sat beside me. Her figure was quite slim, we didn't need to fight for room in our sit. Nothing special, except that out elbows touched each other's unnecessarily. 

Was she trying to send a message? 

Happy Chinese New Year 2016!

When you are alone, festivals don't bring you the same amount of joy as they do to the companied. People like to get confirmed on their idea, when you are alone and you are feeling positively, you need somebody else beside yourself to also tell you they are feeling the same way, too. Without them, your joy wouldn't be complete, because you are not sure if it is really what you feel like, or is it just you hallucinating. Some people feel a affirmation by a person is good enough, some need more. I am the former. True screams are buried under false music. 

This year's CNY is very unique to me and my sisters, because our parents are celebrating over Malaysia while we are doing it in Singapore. Even for me, who can be quite emotional but stays logical most of the time, the separation feel kinda tough. I hope my parents would not get too emotional over there, hope Teck Cong's sister will do a good job making them forget about the tough time we are going through now. 

After CNY, life will be back to normal for a while, I hope our things will get sort out by end of this year, or even before the start of June.

Work, happily

It's a good thing to be doing something, but it's a better thing to be doing something for people you like. At work, especially, the people who you would be doing things for aren't always gonna be the most worthy of your service. Don't get me wrong, you would still complete your job, but how much satisfaction would you get out from it? Of course, when you can't control the person you work for, that usually means it is also out of the question to talk about it with anyone at work. Most of your potential listeners would have been seasoned, trying to get a piglet airborne will be easier than have one of them agree on your complains.

Not to say that you are alone on facing this, at least not during office hour and in the office. I hope your world doesn't just consist of your colleagues and your boss. You should still have people to talk to outside during non-office hour, they probably will do a better job than your co-workers. Well, what if the people you meet at office are your world? Can you know beforehand that if these people are worth your time?

Unfortunately, I doubt there is a fool-proof way to tell it, you really have got to be part of them before their true faces are unveiled. I also don't encourage you to follow the " if you can't beat them, join them." strategy, being part of them will only make things worst for the next person.

The best solution, in my opinion, is choose another job, and never ever surrender yourself to one if you find no pleasure in your work.

Rope, nope

I'm at work, I'm supposed to look occupied with work. Mostly, I can't do the things I wish to do. I have to resort to secondary options like going to toilet, chit chat with colleagues, reading in a unconfortable manners. I'm not allow to sing, listen to music with out earphone, or do cleaning. I have to get ready anytime during work hour in the office which seems pointless to me. I'm waiting for orders from people I don't know, pretend to speak in the most professional and boring way I can think of. Emotionless, like a zombie. All because of money. For survivability. We were asked to do so. Do we have a choice? I believe yes. We are just not willing to step out of our comfort zone. We hate uncertainty, we want to feel safe, even if we risk sacrificing many more. We often get something big, but what we don't know is we are stopped from getting something bigger the smaller thing are too close to us, too close to our eyes and blocked our view or the bigger objects. Step back a bit, leave everything else where they are, you are deserved to see more things even bigger across the horizon.
Often time we don't have the courage to do so, even I who are constantly thinking of this, I need more than courage to do it. I'm not alone, there are several people with me looking at the smaller object at the same distance. What If I step back and they don't? Are they gonna believe me what I see? You have  ways to make sure they do. You can sever your connection with them, so you won't have to explain what you see because you are not obliged to do so anymore nor they have any intention to know. The other one is you can tighten the rope that are tying you all together, so when you step back you pull them along as well and none of them will see different thing than you do. I don't know which one is the preferred way to do, nor which are more superior than the other. It's all up to personal preference, the one who are responsible are yourself. Choose, stick to it and be responsible is what every man, no, every human being should do. Don't live in other people's shadow or decision. Live yours, sever or tighten the rope is your choice. You are probably not the only person who are troubled with it, the other also have the cut or tighten dilemma, you can be the executor or be executed. You can also turn on passive mode all the way and eventually you will be left with yourself. That is essentially sever mode, but not actually, because you didn't make any choice so you are not responsible to anything. As far as my understanding goes, try to avoid that situation, that is not going to sculpt you in any way. Be active, take action. Good luck!

Let's do it

It has been 20 days since my last entry, "I've been busy lately." is my reason. But in reality, I'm not actually telling the truth. Yes, my tasks in hand had grown since the last 6 months, I no longer have the privilege to daydream. But yet, they haven't deprived me of mine sleep time, what have was the amount of time I procrastinate. I have been doing that a lot, when ever I stop to take a breath, sitting in front of a PC not doing work related things, and/or when I have a lot of free time. That is not good, because when I don't have much time left for non-work related stuff, I have no time, and when I do have some time, I have little. THAT IS NOT HEALTHY. I just need to talk myself out of it, stop thinking that I still have a lot of chance to do them and I should focus on things that pleasure me. I DON'T. When I think some thing isn't done, I should get it done, not set it aside for later. Because that is how time is wasted, we should not be wasting any time doing things that don't benefit us. Every actions, every thoughts must come with reasons. Not because I think I "should", "it is the safest", or "I don't have time to think over the rest of the options." Do it immediately, or when the next possible time appear. Not leave it to the future. The "you" now and the future "you" are the same "you." That is no reason for us to think that the future "you" won't mind the things the present you do now. Only them our mind can then be free, resulting more time to think straight. Everything get done, less worries. There is a dreaded cycle, "you need to do something, leave it for later,later, leave it for later again," eventually they just heaped up so much that it become a daunting task just to think of it, and when you are not thinking about it it heaps up even more and you want to think of it even less. Eventually you forget about it. When it comes back to haunt you, the mass if so large that you simply won't be able to take it. And the cycle begins, and sooner or later it's size are so massive that you stop doing meaningful things. Your life become bad, stale, stinky, when you realise something is wrong, that's nothing you can do about it. Be thoughtful, fix the problem immediately, live good life, be responsible to yourself so you can do it to the people around you. Smile, everyday, everywhere, anytime.


Love, Peace, Hope, and Dream.

A picture speaks a thousand words

It all started when Maurice bought his first DSLR. It was a semi-beginner model, had one of the best functions among the options he had financially. It was bought at the digital lifestyle convention during the weekend sometime in the late August on 2014, we decided to go for a photography session the weekend after. That also meant we had only 1 week to learn how to use a DSLR. But my job then was a very relaxed one, so I began my research on it. I encountered all kinds of photography technical terms, but soon they all made sense to us. We were very excited, as if a whole new door had opened in our life. 

We chose town area as our first ever photography virgin experience location, it being convenient and all. Till now, I still remember we would get attracted by all kinds of lights, went to places we didn't know exist, saw things in a different view. Soon we found out that photography was really fun.

A picture speaks a thousand words, I'm a very talkative person so I usually let the pictures do the talking for me. 

Trial and Tribulation

I had a nightmare last night, it was scary.

In the dream, I killed somebody, left him somewhere in the wild, where it wasn't very remotely far. I lived in constant fear of the corpse getting discovered, I kept blaming myself and my friend for not choosing the location wisely. Oh, did I mention I had a accomplice? It was Jerii. He too was living in the same worry I had. Both of us were very scared, there wasn't anyone we could ask for help. Jerii even said he didn't even have his father inform. The world had just been split into 2 sides: Jerii and I, and everyone else. Somehow, I know I was in a dream, but being in that position was unbearable. I started trying to get out of that, being actually asleep, I woke up.

Killing people is probably 1 of the fastest method for shutting people up, as well as yourself, for the rest of your life. But it takes no effort from them.

I'm not stupid, maybe I'm

Hi guys, I knew yesterday was different, I did things that I have never done in a long time. I went shopping, THE SHOPPING. I go in a fashion shop, pick some clothes I fancy, go in a fitting room, try them out, and actually bought them. Unbelievable, right? Previously, the course of events were much complicated. I think over what I'm buying, 5 times, I go in 5 different fashion shop, finally pick some clothes I think "is OKAY",  go in a fitting room and get out in 10 mins without even being able to remember what I wore, and put them back on the shelves. 5 times. I always ended up home empty handed. The feeling is weird, do I enjoy it? I can't say I'm.

What was so different this time? I think because I spent less time answering questions inside me and more time asking them. When I went to shopping previously, I only had myself to consult opinions, I was limited to what I knew then. I wasn't going anywhere. This time I actually had shop clerks to help me with my questions, they work in the shop and know their products a lot better than me. Which it was proven to be true.

Why didn't I do it until now? Very simple, because I didn't trust them, I thought that I would not want to bother asking questions if the answer I get is bias. But I was quite wrong. Since when answer weren't bias? The only time they weren't was probably when you and your twin sibling asked your mum which of you draw better. So I know answers were almost always bias. What could I do with them if I want my questions to be answered by a different person other then myself? I get answers from others, and then I filter them myself. That was like hitting 2 tigers with 1 stone (not like you should ever do that). My questions were answered, and I spent less time getting them.

So you should always ask questions, 1 more question you ask is 1 hours less thinking you do.


"A person looks stupid for 30 seconds when he asks a question, and lifetime if he doesn't."

An Open Letter to Tom 1 Year From Now

Hi Tom, I'm you 1 year ago. How was the year? I hope you are doing fine, you should be if I have been following the guidelines I gave myself 1 year ago. You should be a more complete person now, at least be a better version of you currently.

Do you still remember the list I made of things that I was gonna do for you in year 2016? I hope I have been following that, I would be very disappointed if I hadn't. I didn't want you to stray away from your dream anymore so I decided to write them down. Here was the list:


I am going to write something everyday. You have always wanted to write a story, so you can freely express the creativity in your thoughts. You always have a lot of interesting(at least to me) ideas but my ability to write hinders you from putting them to words. I thought that you could at least share those ideas with others, who knew you might be the next George Lucas.

I am going to design something everyday. You know, the answer you have always wanted to tell others when they asked "What do you do for a living?" was "I'm a designer.". You couldn't because I wasn't really steering towards that direction, it could be a dead end with a concrete wall, it could also just be a dead end road sign that had been stopping you. I'm going that direction now.

I am going to draw something everyday. A picture tells a thousand story, but mine can't even tell one now. This is sad, considering that you started drawing 4 years ago(by your time it should be 5 years ago) and your drawing foundation still was bad. I decided that things can't continue like this if you want to realize your dream.

I am going to understand more about music everyday. It's been a while now, but you still believed that music was still the only thing to remind people who they really are. Do you still remember the busker who was playing a guitar in a busy street? You thought that he was the only one alive. Everyone else who walked passed him was like zombies. You know you want to be that busker and not those lifeless zombies. (My example is probably exaggerating, but it is close.)

I am going to smile everyday. Life's cruel, too many unexpected thing happen. 100 years from now, they really don't matter. If you are still smiling now, that's good, if you are not, I hope this letter can remind you the way to do it.

That's a lot of things for me to do for you, were you being too greedy? Probably, but I knew these are the things you want to do in your life. Remember, your goal before 30 was to create an animated video by yourself. You won't be able to achieve that without I starting doing these things now.

Stay positive, exercise often, eat vegetables, watch Anime, read books, get a girlfriend. Hope to hear from you soon, Tom.



Best wishes,
Yourself