The 2 days that just passed, they were like dreams. The kind of dreams that make me want to keep on dreaming. 48 hours ago, I wasn't expecting I would be dreaming for the next 2 days, by the time I realized they were dreams, I was sitting in front of my PC talking about them. They were good, I don't want them to stop, I don't know how much I'm willing to sacrifice just to have them prolonged, but I know they will be a lot.

Tyndall effect through Pandan leaves

What I learnt this past 5 days were disappointingly not much. All I could easily remember is I had  always been confused. It was wasting a lot of my time because I didn't know if it was the best use of my time. I kept going back and forth doing multiple things at once keeping my self distracted. Strangely, I had fewer things done. I'm always contemplating and I should seriously do more and think less.

Alright, I am suppose to talk about what I had been learning and if I had been a better person than who I was last week.

I continued to watch more music theory lessons since last Monday, I would say about 15 of them, and I could understand them as soon as I finished them. Those are probably just the beginning but I find music theory is intriguing enough for me. I would like to have more understand in it.

Beside Music, I adjusted most of my MTG cards for sale last as I realized that Singapore MTG market is too saturated on cards. People simply already have all the low and mid end cards they want, either they have played long enough to justify the buy or they got it somewhere cheap. For high end card that is not the case, but since I don't have much high ends left so I usually go with the low and mid end business strategy. I round down TCG mid prices for all my cards, although a exception here and there, so when they are checked for market price, they will be seen below market average price. People will think they are getting a good deal thus my sales.

I also learnt that making my own green tea is much more economical than buying a bottle one. A 1.5L sugarless green tea would cost me $1.8 where it is only $0.50 if I make my own. I like the taste of the homemade one more, anyway.

I usually am pretty easygoing on my meals, but sometimes when time call I won't mind going for some classy options. Especially when I don't have to spend a single penny. I was invited to a belated birthday celebration dinner at W Hotel Sentosa by 2 friends of mine. Huge thanks to both of them or else I would never know how a $100 buffet dinner tastes like.

I would never know how much I needed love.

The reception at the buffet restaurant was a young girl, she was friendly, greet us with a smile when we arrived and was always smiling when seen. I think she was pretty, I was glad to have her around the restaurant as she helped a lot with our dinner mood that evening. My heart definitely skipped a beat or 2 whenever we met at the eyes. I had a crush on her, for 2 days.

Frankly speaking, she wouldn't be the one for me even if we got to spend more time together, it was just that her appearance had made me feel love was actually a thing in me. I still wanted to love and to be loved. She made me remembered I had cut off that emotion somewhere along the way in the past years for I thought it would be unnecessary given my current stage in life. I have other priorities at the moment and affection is probably not in the top 10 list at the moment.

I would want to thank her if I ever see her again; It was good to feel love again, it was good.

Okay, before I start talking what I learnt yesterday, I have 2 choices to make. I can go all negative and rant about it and make myself look miserably pathetic, or I can treat it as a valuable reference for my future challenges. Obviously, I decided to do both at once.

The negative Tom:

Yesterday was tough, everything didn't go the way I wanted. People told me otherwise, but I was not satisfied with my TV host performance. 

I don't know, no matter how hard or how many times I tried to look natural in front of the camera, my attempts were futile. The TV hostess, Lizzee, probably noticed my struggle and tried to do something about it, too, but I couldn't give her attempts justice, either. The struggling was real, the whole 30mins, the length of the show, was probably the longest I had felt ever in my life so far. 

After the show ended, I started blaming myself for my performance prior and was feeling down the whole night. I went straight to Jerii to help him packed up the equipment. I tried to look normal to him but there was a lot going on inside me. Thinking that a good night rest could help ease off my gloomy mood, I hurriedly packed everything and skip eating dinner with Darren and the gang to head home as fast as I was allow to. 

After I cleaned myself, ate dinner, I positioned myself in front of my computer ready to start sorting my thoughts. Then my father came out from his room and told me he wasn't feeling too well. He said he might have caught the cold but felt it could be more than that. I advised him to go see the doc but he refused, worrying about the consultant fee. 

I know he was trying to help us save money by not seeing a doctor when he is ill, but that usually ended up costing more. I insisted and we went to the 24 hr clinic 3 bus stops away. He was trying to talk to me thru out the whole thing but I just wasn't in the mood. I was being non-responsive to his talking. We exchanged less than 10 words. He must had been feeling really sorry to me, to the whole family for it was too late at his age to do anything. 

To live a life this miserably, know anything he could have done would change the situation he is in now. I felt sorry for him, but at the same time, I know that even if he has another 50 years to live, nothing would still be done. He is just a coward. 

The positive Tom:

I learnt a lot yesterday. 

My MTG selling thread has been updated with new card prices. After I learnt that non standard MTG cards are hard to sell at their mid TCG price, I adjusted them reasonably. Almost immediately, I got an offer from somebody for a total of $100 worth of cards. I was happy that my observation was correct. 

Given that my Sunday was spent outdoor, I proceeded to watch music theory tutorial as soon as I'm unoccupied. I was happy with my progress as so far I had been able to grasp what the videos are trying to tell. I also had my level 1 musical terms refreshed, here are they:

Accento = Stressed note(I cheated) 

Adagio = somewhat slow pace, between largo and andante.

Allegro = very fast

Allegretto = fast

Andante = at the walking pace, moderately slow

A tempo = return to the original tempo

Cantabile = in a singing voice

Crescendo = gradually getting louder

con pedale = on pedal

Da Capo = repeat to the beginning

Da Segno = repeat from the sign

Decrescendo = gradually getting softer

Diminuendo = gradually getting softer

dolce = sweet gentle

fermata = pause, and hold for half the value more

forte = loud

fortissimo = very loud

fine = end of the music

grazioso = graceful

leggato = smoothly

largo = very slow

lento = slow

maestoso = majestic

macato = marked or stressed

mano destro = right hand

mano sinistra = left hand

mezzo forte = moderately loud

mezzo piano = moderately soft

moderato = moderately pae

ottava = play one octave higher or lower

pianissimo = very soft

piano =soft

presto = very fast

prestissimo = as fast as you could

rallentando = gradually getting slower

ritardnuendo = gradually gettig slower

:|||

slur = play note leggato

staccato = short and detached

tie = hold for combined note value

tempo = the speed of which music is performed

tempo primo = return to the original speed

That's all, not many, just a few.

I also did some music exams, but I didn't finish them. I'm planning to do it today. After I finished writing. 

I also managed to write consecutively for 3 days, I'm satisfied with myself for it. I enjoy writing so far. 

I learnt that overthinking was bad, I should be worrying too much. Everything would come together eventually. But what I did yesterday at my TV show was the exact opposite. I was trying to hard to control everything when all I did was making the atmosphere felt forced. It's alright, now I know. 

I feel much better now, even though my father wasn't feeling too well when I reached home yesterday and I brought him to the doc but I think he is just lonely with my mother oversea. He is getting old, so the occasional helplessness seems to have caught onto him. I will try all my best to help him, to help the family, to help myself. 

Thankfully I chose to sleep early even after a not so optimum day. 

I went to bed 230AM today. The time needed to put me out of my conscious was probably half the speed of light, and that made revision of what I had learned yesterday impossible.

I woke up at 830AM and felt refreshed. While speedily cleaning myself, I tried to recall what were learnt yesterday:

Excessive emotions can only hinder my thinking circuit, they cause more harm than benefits.

Saving Private Ryan is a good movie. Tom Hanks, and the others were all very good at their roles. My understanding for WWII had grown for the most part, I know who Private Ryan is, and I also now aware that canteen means water bottle. Oh ya, and FUBAR.

I know the name for the 8 scale positions: Tonic, Supertonic, Mediant, Subdominant, Dominant, Submediant, and Leading Tone. With which the Tonic and Dominant have the most power in a scale.
53 means position root, 6 means position 1, and 64 means position 2. My drawing speed for Circle of Fifths has been increased.

I re-organized all my MTG cards with Excel, basically retyped a new card list. Filled in a few card prices.

That's basically it. I don't intend to use it as a excuse, but I want to start slow and keep going at a steady pace.

I started today with a MTGO draft, wanting to lose and uninstall. I didn't, I ended up winning 2 matches and got my entry fee back. Apparently trying to lose to win was quite a strategy to have. The whole afternoon was spent almost entirely under the sun, feeding mosquitoes, under more sun (I lied, that was actually only 1 sun at all time), feeding more mosquitoes. After we make sure enough mosquitoes were fed, Jerii and I went to town, ate dinner, and went home.

I was opening up my mind to let thoughts flow into it, what I learnt today were:

I want a thin frame circular lens spectacles.

I want only 1 pair.

Paying extra $100 for PC lens probably won't justify them.

I can get my clothes at Carousell.

And once again, in order to meet the person I want to meet, the places I want to go, and the things I want to talk about, I have to become a person who deserve them. That will be my goal from now on.

Endlessly ask yourself, " Are you really happy, or just really comfortable?"

"What kind of person do I want to be?" That is the question I'm always asking myself. Trust me, the struggle to finding the answer hasn't been straightforward.

Slow down, think, would the thing I do mindlessly direct me to my destination as planned? If it obviously won't, should I stop doing?
Slow down, Tom, take a step back and carefully think about it.

Unsurprisingly, I go to work everyday like most of the people at my age; I go home after 9 dreadful/joyful hours. I'm no different than the rest. This isn't right, if everyone is like that, why are there great people on the news paper? Why aren't they us? That must be something I overlooked. Luckily, I found a explanation for it. Everyone go to work in the morning and go home in the evening, estimating 10hours gone in a typical day. Eat, rest, sleep are the standard routine everyone follows before they start another robotic day.

That is what "everyone" thinks. I don't really want to be different just for the sake of being one, it is just coincident that the person I happen to want to be are.

Lying is bad, especially when you're doing it to yourself, so making resolution hasn't been my thing, so far. What I'm going to boldly say now are going to be the list of trainings I'm preparing for myself, in order to be "different.

Obviously, the thing that is hindering my progress, or so I'm thinking, is my lack of self control for my desires. Desires, other than those that are educational, made me spent time on wastefully. I would find out only after some time had been spent, but nonetheless I did manage to. After which I just had to pay more attention the next time those desires arose...

...and that is basically it, I just have to put myself in boredom to be the person I hope to be.

(Unfortunately, that's not it. I'm just getting tired and have to end the article abruptly. There will be more tomorrow, hopefully. )

Return to Magic

I found it amusing going to the casino last Thursday. I had planned to spent $50, but I ended up spending $100. Truly, I thought I could win back the $50 I had lost. I didn't yield. Even though I ended up spending more than I expected to, that was $100 I could afford to lose. I got to admit I learnt much from this venture into the casino.

I felt terrible last Friday after I woke up. Spent the first 2 hours in morning on a movie. After that, I cooked, and I sat down prepare to read. I didn't manage to find any mood for reading. I kept staring at the same sentence over and over again. So I attempt to draw, nope, didn't work either. So, I laid out my thoughts on the table. I was attempting to filter them and see what was stopping me. It turned out to be Magic. I wanted to play Magic. I contemplated and I selected Magic online over paper Magic. The reason was because I wasn't too sure if I was just lonely or truly yearn to play Magic.

I installed the Magic online client and spent $15 on a draft set. I chose Origin draft, which I'm more familiar with, and determined to lose the $15. I lost in the final and got away with another free draft set, then, Melvin called.

He was wondering if I had free time in the afternoon, I gave him a positive reply and we decide to meet a cafe at Ginza. I was late for a bit, by the time I arrived it was already 15mins late. He brought with him a normal size plastic bag. I looked inside and saw 3 deck boxes and a 500cards carton box. Since I was eager to get my hands on real magic cards, I immediately went for the bag and start browsing through them. I found some gems in the form of foils, and foreign cards. When he returned from the food counter which he went for food ordering, he urged me to prioritize the 500cards box first. He said it had the most valuable cards. I obeyed and looked into it. There were many valuable cards, among which had foreign white border Volcanic Island, Savanna, and Brushland. Judging by the conditions, the cards can be easily sold for $200 a piece. I evaluated all of the boxes content and informed Melvin they are worth approximately $10k. Except they weren't. They were actually closer to $7k. Then I told him I need to get at least an album for exhibiting the cards so they can be made known to the players he, almost immediately, suggested that we should go to his warehouse and get the rest of his Magic collection which includes card album. I obliged and of we went to the warehouse.

It was in Bukit Batok, I arrived with a anxious heart. I didn't anticipate much could be left but I was quite wrong. There were 7 carton boxes in the warehouse, 5 of which were what we were interested in. Melvin only inclined to transport just 3 of them but I voted for all since I wanted to check out everything. He surrendered and 5 boxes were transported to his car.

Everything were unloaded to my house safely and now it is up to me what means do I have to use to turn them into cash. I'm confident I'm capable to maximize their potential. I'm confident. 

MTG

The absence of my father yesterday night indicated his ashamed. Well, I anticipated that. I was quite sure had he stayed at home when I arrived home yesterday night I would lose my composure. I've been spending money sparingly, I only spent when necessary. To the rest of the family's members, this notion is non-existence. I've contemplated much, the only path that can help us overcome poverty can only be saving. Only when we have a solid financial foundation then we can start to build on it. Deprived of that, we would constantly be at the bottom and can never see the ray of hope. 

The allegedly "rich people", most of them start here.

I was contemplating yesterday after whether to question my father on his exclusion for this month rent. He was too ashamed to tell me face to face. He thinks he is a very delicate thinker, he thinks he always has everything covered. But it has always been us, his family, to wipe his ass when things went wrong. He metaphorically cowered in fear until all the ass-wiping were completed. After which, he would go dormant for awhile, acting like things never happened. Then he would start all over again. This dreaded cycle went on and on until I arrived at my adult age. His despicable deceptions waned a bit when he aged. When he could no longer talk big, when I had become stronger than him physically. 

He has always been a coward. I have never admired him in anything until now. The family would have went better had he not around. Whenever he had some money, I didn't rejoice at all. I know him having money meant he would spend on gambling, on food and on many unnecessary things. He would squander and would soon left with nothing. I wouldn't have any problem if himself was all he had. But he had a family, he had us. 

It was 915am and there were merely 4 persons in the office. I reckoned something must have went wrong. Thus I hit the internet and did my searching. As I anticipated, the subway broke down and caused a major delay. It made a multitude of commuters stuck in the stations that were affected. The subway's primary goal was to resume the train service and get everyone to where they were supposed to go asap. That was precisely what they failed to do. People ranted about it on their twitter. I think they ranted solely because others were doing it also. By ranting, most of the message were not reached, ranting simply didn't convey enough. They merely resembled themselves child like adult. 

I've been thinking much into starting MTG business once more. My intention is to have extra income and after pondering much MTG is a relatively easy way for me. I can only work for one company at a time, I also don't want to displease the authority breaking the rule. I'm left with one option, that is making myself the boss. I don't want to go into details today. So I will stop here today. 

Longing for benevolence

Yesterday, I didn't write the 500 words solely because I didn't want to write for the sake to write. Probably also because I was being lazy. In the end I succumbed to my sloth. I still yearn to write better, to speak clearer. I've become accustomed to my lack of writing skill; I'm always fearful to learn to write better. My resolution is set, I yearn to write better.

I arrived at my office 1 hour earlier than my work time. No one was in the office of course, I was alone. Like I've always been. I turned on the air-conditioner, lowered the temperature to 22c, was kinda a hoping the changes in temperature would modify my mood. It so far hasn't seen to be effective yet. It is 9am and my work has started. A goal of 3 hours of reading stands before me, I hope I can yield.

Nancy came after me, followed by June, Dorothea and Susan. All of which are quite talkative, I am contented to just listening to their topics as I wasn't in a mood to chat. I prefer some noise in my office environment but most of the people don't seem to agree with me. The silence in the office have always made me feel sleepy.

It's almost 10am, everyone have arrived. Most of us are waiting for lunch time, from when we can take a short break. I feel so sleepy right now, but I want to continue reading.

Susan and May were having conversation in the office, sometimes loud and sometimes soft. Their words were hard to distinguish, not that I put any effort in it. I just felt delighted to have some form of noises in the office.That at least could keep me awake till afternoon comes. By the way, June couldn't join them because there were speaking in Mandarin.

I just got a message from my mother, saying my father is agonizing over this month rent. It is happening again. No matter how hard I try, it was futile. My disgust towards my father hasn't diminish a bit. I don't yearn for a distinguished father, but all he does is whine. He wishfully thinks that he has done will be atoned passively. He is ashamed, only once in a while. He is always giving promises he cannot fulfill. I disdain his character. He always have reasons, but to me his theories all indefensible. At the peak of his age, he was unrelenting. He didn't give a shit to his family. My mother had a very harsh time bring my and my sisters up. At this point of his life, he still hasn't got any idea the preoccupation issues we are having. He only adds to the already immense burden me and my sisters have. He doesn't reflect himself. His repentance was nowhere to be found.

He has been working for 3 months and his financial problem hasn't relieved a bit. He is always asking the kids for money. It is shameful.

Day 1, 500words

Om.

I’m going to start the habit to write everyday starting today. Each article has to be 500 words at least. At the same time, I’m also going to pick up the habit to read once again. I’ll be writing consciously,  by using all the English vocabularies I learnt. I always yearn for a good self expressing skill. I’m able to comprehend things quickly, but sometimes I find myself in vain when I try to explain them to the other.

( I realized it’s only 98 words by the end of this sentence, maybe I’m pushing too hard. )

Melvin is the head of the company, I’d even go as far as to say that without him it’ll cease to exist. He is a very knowledgeable guy and is also a very hardworking one. I’ve been with the company for 3 months when tomorrow comes, I’ve hardly seen any sloth from him. He’s married and he has his personal affair to worry but he’s always caring about the company. Fearful of his health, I sure hope he’ll slow it down a bit. But people are insatiable, some in the company don’t know it’s constraint, they keep asking it for more. So what if they have a lot of money? They’ll just squander them away in no time. It’s an immense amount of time an effort to keep a company running, and they are squeezing every bit of them left out of it. Just the thought of it is repulsive.  Their attitude change when the company forsakes them, when the time comes it’s all too late.

( Almost, hang in there, Tom.)

Recently, my childhood friend just quit his daytime job to start his own business, inviting all the capable people to help. I’m to be his anchored host for his show. (Yes, he is starting a TV programme. ) Naturally, he’s the producer of the show, his wife, back up anchored host. (Also yes, I’d like to think myself as the main anchored host thank you very much.) Even though I’ve never been one, but I’m not fearful, my dormant eccentric self’s always open to take on anything. Mainly things that aren’t going to shorten my lifespan. (Well, technically everything  we do shorten our lifespan, but you get the idea.) Also I’m a potato couch, oh no, I should say had been a potato couch. Before my PC there was only a TV set that connected me to the outside world. Yes, not even a telephone. It was that time, consisted entirely of my childhood, that made me watched an immense amount of TV shows. I learnt what reactions would occur when the hosts said something. I know what was welcome to say and the forbidden words. I know the important thing, the trifle matters. Imperceptibly, I thought I knew everything about a TV show.

Yes, some people are gifted, congratulations. But like the rest of our kind, that, I believe that was the only way to shine. Om. Om. 

Building blocks

I think I should evaluate the things that I think are important in my life. Because life is really short, it doesn't leave you much time after most of it are used on things that don't make you. I have a vision of myself, albeit not a very clear one at the moment, what I wanna be. To achieve that final product, I need to lay everything that occupy my time at this point of life on a table and filter out those that are essentially not a potential building blocks for it. After that, let my life go on without them. No question asked, no guilt and be focus on everything I will be doing.

kunmut

I want to live the way i want, what I want isn't very hard why cant I live the way I want. Why am I paying the debt for what others have done, why cant he understgand, cadoes he think he deserve it since he is old already
isn't that unfair?
sometimes i hope he dies or go somethwere ther is out of my range, i truky odont want to see him anywmore
no matter what other says, i don vxare,
he is been too selfish,
and he doesn't even know that and continue to act like what
 mi f i hvea choice  i really dont want to face it
i dont know myi dont know if my limit is near, i dont know how much longer i can hoold, this is getting tough,
i want to do the things i want, i want to start doing th ethigns i want, i dont want to take care of the people i dont like,
 i dont like him, i dont like her
but i culd bring my sel,f to abandon them,, i still need their help
afte that i will llive the life i want,
really
really...

Black Jack

I don't know why I didn't suggest a cheaper dinner today, probably I was afraid to be the spoiler. One of the things that help in having a healthy friendship to always have a good mood when going out together. Having a person in a group of friends who always have an opinion against everyone else is one of the worst thing that can happen and I surely don't want to be that guy. That makes my decision making sometime against my own will. Going out with friends is nice and all, especially when I think I learn something at the end of the day. It becomes less nice when I think I've wasted the trip. Both time and money. That's when I think going out with friends isn't so attractive to me. The problem is, you only know if you have gained anything after you are home by the end of the day. There are so many thigns that can happen that will make the tirp worthwhile at the same time there are also as many things that can ruin it. It's like a gamble, the safe way to handle it is to always have enough for yourself, in this case, time and money, before you can start to try your luck on it.

Reflection

I feel like this is a place for me to ask for forgiveness. It's like a place to talk to myself, and I don't like to talk about positive things here, so that makes it an exit for my negative emotions. By no mean that is a bad thing, thought I should just make it clear. I'm not as negative as I think.

About 3 hours ago I downloaded MTGO, again, and spent around $16 on it. Not a lot I know, relatively speaking, it is. Is there any reason that made me spend that much? Yes, I want to remind myself once again the commitment I need to put on playing Magic again. The urge was getting huge and I need a reminded again. I reckoned Magic Online could be a good candidate as it is quite convenient. And so I did. Yeah I did a draft, played round 1 and lost. I felt that was enough for me. I don't have the money and don't want to spend my time on it. I won't feel right about doing it. Magic is a great game, I would recommend anyone who wants to table top game and also have a lot of time to spend. I had already had my share of Magic 10 years ago so I would rather spent on something else to make up for that. Phew, I feel better now to reflect on myself.

Video editing

Finally I managed to get my hands on video editing, I got to admit it was certainly my thing as I like to create stuff. I've been quite curious on how special effects were applied to films and how cool it would be to create my own. So I made a video while playing around the settings, it really was quite an interesting experience. I would like to make more but I don't have anything that can reliably record movies so it would require me to use other people's footage if I want to make a movie. The one I made was using pure photos so I wasn't really able to touch on the video settings.

Finally I bought a drawing tablet, it was a second hand and the cheapest model, so far, I like using it. 

我希望可以因为他的便利而更勤奋的画画，接下来我想我还是会继续创造。我也希望我可以更有条理的写作。

一个人

哈哈，我实在不了解在自己，一下子想作这，一下子想做那。我想要矮一点的桌子，我想买一些东西可是我又不想花钱，怎么可能。想做的事情我想去做，不然我不知道自己是真的喜欢还是只是想而已。我想做影片，拍照，画画，赚钱。我有太多顾虑了，我想知道怎样静下来。我想要自己一个人，靠自己就好。比较踏实。

随波逐流

我想加强我的表达能力，我总觉得从我嘴里出来的和我脑袋里想的不一样。就像今天我觉得作者也不对做那也不对。我就像一个充了气的球一样，一被触碰就爆炸。我不知道我在说什么，我不想和人打交道。我中觉得在浪费时间。我想旅行，想到世界的很多地方流浪。可是我没有能力，我很恨自己的无能为力。可是我又不想过着舒适的生活。那不是我的目标。我会后悔。我知道。我想做可是我在拖延时间。我想过自己的生活。我想无依无靠。我也想不被依赖。 像风一样四处流浪。我想创作。可是我静不下来。这世界它多诱惑而我有没有信心去抗拒。我怕抗拒了我会疯掉。我只能随波逐流。我想开始什么，可是我又害怕不能结束他，怕我的信心会动摇。我好像整理整理我的想法，如果可以把它们都摆出来就好了。我有事都不知道自己在想什么要什么。我希望可以了解自己多一点，加油。

Road Block

I'm about to finish my FF13's main story, I don't know if I should continue with the sidestory or not. The reason for not wanting to continue is I thought I would have an easier time to concentrate on other tasks. I think my life has come to a point that time is a luxury to me. I shouldn't be spending time on "games". I'm kind of struggling, because I want Final Fantasy to be part of my life.

I think my father has be coming more unpredictable to the extent that is quite troubling to get along with. He started work, it is actually quite normal at this era to be still working at his age, but his health is also a concern. He simply can't make decisions for the family, he can't make decisions that affect people other than himself. Either he doesn't know this fact or he doesn't want to admit it. That makes him think that he has everything covered, when things don't go the way he wants, he freaks out and starting releasing all his negative emotions that have little or no connection to the issues at hand. He is one of those people that is very hard to talk to because he only has his own explanation and won't accept people's opinions. It's is inappropriate to say the least, but the family would have been better without him, for now, it's probably too late. I don't want anything bad happen to him of course, at the same time I also want family's harmony and he is going to be the road block at long as I can tell.

拖延症

这几天感觉没什么精力，可能是因为吃多了重口味的东西，少吃了蔬菜肠胃负荷不了。用了两天的休息日来休息感觉比较好了。下星期开始可以吃回我自己准备的东西了。

在周末花了几个小时来准备下星期要吃的东西。为什么不好好休息呢？我想是因为吃自己准备的东西会有成就感。因为开心累一点也没关系。

跟同事感情跟好了，也开始加了FB好友，总觉得现在的我处理新的人际关系更加成熟了，不会再对朋友胡思乱想让自己不开心了。

原本要去上日文课的，到最后反悔了。觉得应该省下学费然后自修。只要有心，哪里都可以学语言。

越来越发现拖延症不可取了，要克制自己。我想睡了，但因为拖延症我还有一部电影还没看完。

晚安。

Multitasks

My mind has been quite occupied with stuffs lately. I seemed to have many things I want to do this past week, and I actually went ahead and finished most of them. (I ditched some impractical ones, like filling out lyrics of a song.) That actually made me quite satisfied with myself. I dislike wasting time, I feel like I put my time to full use last week and that made me feel good.

The incident last weekend made the following Monday terrible for me, as I kept thinking about it the whole day. I managed to pull through, and the rest of the week was quite peaceful for me. I had many thing planned when I got my first salary. I had to make every penny counts as I didn't deserve much. I'm going to make my self worth more at the same time enjoy the process. I don't want to earn money like a droid. 

I'm starting to feel like since my thoughts are starting to get crowded with stuffs I want to do, I don't have much else for other tasks, like my reacting and expressing my thoughts. I'm sure working on those issues. I want to spend least effort for expressions at the same time being able to convey them surely. 

Ka-boom

After quite a long period of peacefulness in my family, I knew I didn't have to wait to long for another conflict. It happened yesterday, and it changed everything.

It started just between two people, soon it involved everyone. (Including me, though not directly.)
It shouldn't have and shouldn't be affecting everyone. The reason it was having an easy time putting everyone involved is because in our family, there are too many mines between one another through the years. To say the least, we weren't really feel together. Most of us hadn't been treating each other as family. We've only been doing what is just enough to avoid conflict withing the house. I already knew about this issue since I was still a kid. I also didn't foresee this to change anytime soon, or it ever will. Most of us, at least for the youngs, are just waiting.

We are waiting to get out of the house. To leave the "family". We are just a bunch of extremely dry wood, even a tiny spark will ignite us. We need some moisture that we will never be able to get if we stick together. That sounds sad, just like most of the truths are.

Tasker

It's been a tough week. I kinda lost my focus on most things. I'm still trying to figure out the work I need to do at my job. So far not much have passed on to me as I'm still a newbie at this job. 

So, whenever I turn on my PC in the morning at office, I start to wander how I'm gonna spend my next 9 hours there. I usually start checking Email, wait for my superior to reach office, when I feel he doesn't want me for any task, I start my morning software lesson. I spend the hours before lunch researching the softwares, try to get myself familiar with them as soon as possible. Then I lunch, there's when the challenge comes. I NEED something to do before knocking off.

I spend this past weekend trying to think of some tasks to do after my lunch time at office. I kinda skip the usual entertainments like videos or games as I don't want to spend the time unproductively. I ended up decided on reading and drawing. These are the things I will do if I'm not working. 

I just thought of writing might be a potential candidate also, we will see. 

如果还有如果

你在我面前伪装，逼得我也在你面前强颜欢笑。我不开口，你也不开口。你到极限的时候，可以变得脆弱。我到极限的时候，只能接受你的脆弱。而你的脆弱，可以换来答案。我的脆弱，只能换来更多的脆弱。你还有我，我谁都没有。我其实不想再给你找答案了，可我的良心却一次次的说服了我。

我不敢在一个人的时候想到你，因为那只会提醒我其实有多恨你。对，恨。五年前我以为事情明朗了以后我会不再恨你。我高估了自己。只要一想到我们现在的情况，我怪你，我只想怪你。。。

我只能怪你。

A little blues

I dislike complicated things. I don't feel safe if I can't figure something out. Although much less than before, I still find myself in that kind of situation every now and then. There aren't many things I care about and I still find them to be a few too many I want to spend my brain cells on. I prefer simplicity. 

I've always been trying to simplify things, simplify my life. I keep the things I care about to the minimum--the games I play, the type of asset I own and the people I talk to etc. I keep things simple at the same time I make sure they are still interesting enough. I wouldn't go as far as to sacrifice the fun in something just because I think they are troublesome. I've got to be practical. I guess that is the difference between the kind of person I'm and people with autism. 

I don't put on the headphone because I like to listen to music, but because I don't want to hear the noise of the world around me. 

Relationship

One of the most important task when I started working last week, besides trying to quickly pick up new software, was to build up some kind of relationship or another with my colleagues. As we are together 5 days a week, 9 hours a day, the time we are together are almost as much as a family, I can't imagine myself in a working environment like that if I make myself an outsider to them. I always keep them in mind and whenever I've got the chance I'll approach some of the people and chat.

My first day working I had the chance to have lunch with two of my colleagues, but since it was my first day we still have the awkwardness when we sat down at a table. Even when we were on the way back to office we didn't talk much that could help in developing the relationship between us. The next day got worst because I was to be late for work and missed the lunch time. When I got there everyone had started their second half of their work. That was a terrible afternoon as I literally didn't do anything until I knocked off.

Here comes Thursday(I started on Tuesday), when things are starting to look better. I reached office half an hour earlier and was the third to reach there. The first two who arrived earlier are the kind of person who likes to chat a lot, so I took my chance and introduced myself, find out more about them and the rest of the office team. I even manage to show some of my humour to everyone at lunch time when we all sat together in a briefing. Trying to let my colleagues know more about me is my objective and my humour is something I want to show them as soon as possible.

Friday went very well, as everyone was quite relaxed on that day. My direct superior started using Mandarin to talk with me more, I know that is a sign that he is treating me as something more then a new comer. I was pleased. He even told many stories when we were having lunch together.

My relationship development, it didn't go well at first, but was starting to progress slowly but steady.

Enjoyment

I was too tired due to lack of sleep the night before my first day of work, I didn't have much mood to do anything and almost went straight to bed immediately after I reached home yesterday. As for today, after having sufficient sleep, I've been feeling quite energetic through the day. Even after a GYM session I'm still not as tired as yesterday night. I hope I can keep this up. 

So, today's my second day of work, I haven't got much thought towards it, "so far so good " is as much as I could tell. Well, at least I'm feeling quite good. I've been learning new things, getting to meet new people, learning new things, getting to meet new people, learning new things... and I enjoyed them. 

There are still many issues that need to be balanced,  small issues like what to eat for breakfast and for lunch to how should I distribute my salary. All of them need time to be able to fully figured out so there really isn't anything I can do about them at this point of time. But like I said, I'm enjoying them. 

Ikou ze

It's almost a quarter past ten and I'm about to go to bed. Almost 3 hours earlier than the time I sleep for the past 5 years. My new job starts at 9am tomorrow and I planned to wake up at 6am to get ready and to avoid the peak hour crowd by boarding the bus early. It's actually not too tough for me, but just in case so I want to make sure I have enough sleep. The schedule will be adjusted accordingly after a few weeks of work.

Don't really have much to say here. Might update again tomorrow,  I hope I won't be too tired for it.

$100

My friend and I went out with my father today, it was quite a strange feeling because us father and son rarely go out together. We went to a aquamarine exhibition, where they showcase many winner fishes, from fishes with a big lump on top of their head to fishes with scales as big as my thumb. My father paid the entry ticket for three of us, I was quite amazed at how generous he acted. He also treated me and my friend each a canned drink during lunch time. So, after a short tour at the fish exhibition, we went to the electronic one next door. My father was quite lost at the site saying that he didn't understand most of the stuff being sold there. Before we left, I bought a desktop speaker and my friend bought a earpiece that was 8 times more expensive than what I bought. We parted at the train station, my friend on himself and my father and I were taking different route home.

We reached out place's area one hour later, we also stopped at a supermarket near my place to buy dinner.
Then I received a text message, it was from my mother. She asked me to pass my father $100.

I knew it.

My father has always been like that. He didn't even have enough for himself and still spent money because he didn't want to lose face in front of others. Part of the reason why my family ended up in this situation is probably because of this bad habit of his.
Feeling disappointed, I passed him the money. Of course, while concealing my feeling towards him again.

Are you game?

I cannot stop playing some kind of game or another. It's really tough to imagine my life without any games. But playing game takes time. I'm aware that time is finite, I should spend it wisely. Spend it with you loved ones, studying, exercising, writing, tidying room, see the world etc etc are some of the options I can think of. But, what if, I've already done most of them that I just want to spend some time on games, does that make me not wise? I don't know. I just want to play games sometimes. But when I'm done, I will have some kind of guilty feel that I've wasted the precious time in my life.

I'm confused, my right brain wants to play games but left brain says otherwise.

30 hours of thinking time

It's been a week since my mother went back Malaysia. Life hasn't changed much for me or for my family. I'm glad to know that, because it's really hard to tell when will my mother be back to Singapore.


After this Sunday, I'll be starting a new chapter in my life. Sort of. I'm going to start work at my friend's company. That is going to change my life one way or another. Firstly, I won't have as much free time as I have now. I have to make a new schedule for my guitar, Japanese and exercise. There should be a couple more tasks in the schedule, drawing and Photoshop, but due to the nature of my work I'm also doing them when I'm working, I hope. I want to have a job, to pay my bills etc, but I also don't want to sacrifice all of my free time for it. I'm certainly need to find a balance between them.


Five more days to go, I'm going to slowly adjust my mindset and daily life within them to prepare for my first day of work.

Third Person Shooter

I like to see my friends, seeing them usually lifts my spirit. But not all of them are suitable for the job. There is one friend that I've known for very long, but I've found myself feeling a lot less excited than before seeing him. Both of us owe each other a lot, so I've always try to be nice to him as often as I can. I've found it getting harder to do it recently. I don't feel the joy of hanging out with him now, it feels more like a task than a casual meeting between friends. It's not his fault and I hope it isn't mine either.

So, that is only one person to blame.

Dust has not yet settled

After going through so many, the day had finally come. My mother returned to her homeland. It's been 25 years since she last went back. I've waited 25 years.

Since last year November, I'd done everything I could do at Singapore to help the authority to investigate our case. The verdict was out on end of May. Both of my parents got themselves a warning and my mother was advised to go back to Malaysia to legalize her nationality status. Now there she is there, she still got another mission beside legalizing her status. That is to help legalize ours. My sisters and I. Our nationality status are as complicated as her if not worst. I can only hope the authority at Malaysia will help simplify the issue.

The night before my Mother left for Malaysia, I explained the situation to her once more because when she is there I can't help much if she doesn't take the lead. She can't speak much Malayu and she is in a unfamiliar place with unfamiliar people. It's actually quite scary for most people. I hope she will be strong and have fun in between waiting time from the authority.

Time, Town, Test

Has it been that things around me changed too rapidly or has it been me not being prepared for them? I don't know, but I'm starting to feel that I need some help reading my life. My mother would be leaving tomorrow for her quest of bringing me and my sister identity at Malaysia. Beside at the start when she would be accompanied by my father and my sister friend, she would be alone most of the time after the first few days. Our family haven't been separated ever since 20 years ago, her Malaysia trips this time is probably going to take months before we even get the chance to see each other again. I hope she can handle it, I hope all of us can, too. This is only the first big changes this week for me.

I'm starting work the coming Monday. I've got the consent from the authority and I'm allowed to work legally now. Not only I have little knowledge for the company I'm working at, which is my friend's, I don't quite know what I'm supposed to do there. My friend told me I would be learning and working at the same time, I hope I would not be a burden to him. I'm not gonna lie, I'm feeling a little nervous. A bit more, maybe.

I don't know.

When you said 'Leave it to me.', I left it to you. When you said 'Everything is gonna be alright.', I trusted you. When you said 'Never mind about it.', I lived carefree. I continued to live that way, until all your lies crumbled slowly day by day. I had to start worrying. Worrying about everything. It was too much for for the young me to realize and to face them all at once.

I ran away. I deny to admit them. I deny to admit the troubles you had failed to solve. I hoped to let the problems solve itself. That didn't happen. I had to take over. When I started collecting the puzzle pieces for the problem's solution, you continued your lies. Only then I knew, the reason that you lied. Your lies not only deceived me, but they also you, the person who came out with them. You believed what you said, even when they weren't even close to the facts.

I was confused, I'm still being confused. Should I put the blame on you? Why should I not?

What face should I put on when facing you? Face of hatred or face of forgiveness?


I don't know.

Party

I went to the Embassy of Malaysia in Singapore yesterday, I was feeling kinda nervous not knowing what to expect. I went there with my parents, to apply for an temporary passport for my mother. We took a cab there, the trip took around 15mins. I approach the guard house and was asked to provide IDs, 3 IDs in fact. My father provided them and we were off to the main hall. We arrived there before lunch time to avoid crowd, but we were surprised to find out there were quite a lot of people there already. Fortunately the staffs there were very helpful, we were able to get everything (forms, photos) ready and queued up. We got a queue number 3000 and were asked to sit down to wait. Around 45mins later we were called directly from the counter instead from the LED screen. My mother's temporary passport was issued to us.


After the past 6 months investigation in Singapore, my guess is my mother will be scheduled to go back to Malaysia by next week, after that there are still a lot to be done there for the family. I'm not allowed to follow her, so I have to instruct here what to do now and hope everything will go our way. It will probably take another 6 months before any answers can be heard. I know this day has to come sooner or later but I'm still a bit nervous.


We will be strong here in Singapore waiting for you, so mum, you have to be strong and take care of everything at Malaysia too.

Food

For the past few days, I've been craving for food even after I'm done eating. Most of the time I can overcome the crave and forget about it after awhile, but sometimes it makes me unable to concentrate on other tasks. I've come out a few explanation for it; I've been working out with empty stomach and haven't been restoring my energy immediately after that.; there have been too much temptation around me and have made me kept thinking of all those tasty treats; stress. 

I guess they all contributed some percentage of it, solving just one isn't going to help me out of this. 

I'm hungry.

One heart two uses.

I got to admit ever since my 7 days adventure with online games last week, I've been quite lazy ever since. Usually, when I'm studying, I'm studying. But recently I picked up the habit of doing two things at once. I would open my Japanese news website and Hearthstone together. Then I would practice my Japanese oral pronunciation and play Hearthstone at the same time. I would be busy switching between the game and the news site. Sometimes I confuse myself quite a bit. I hope to save time and the dullness from studying but I guess it doesn't work. That usually takes me longer to complete two tasks together than doing them separately. I know that's bad, I should be looking at the benefit of studying than finding the boredom of it.

I'm actually writing this post with a split screen stream, but I think that's fine, it actually make my brain more active.  

Patient

Previous week was quite a literally sleepless week for me. I picked up a massive multiplayer online game. I'd been playing since last Friday. I even sacrificed my studying time for it. I know I wouldn't play for long since losing precious studying time for it hadn't been my intention. So I stopped yesterday night. Today, everything back to normal and I enjoy it. I enjoyed the game, too. It's just that it couldn't quite fit into my schedule. Not only that, the whole week I spent playing the game gave me some insight on what to do with my mother issue.


I've talked to my family, I'm trying to let them know what are going to happen and what they are going to go through. I let them know the good and bad things altogether. I'm not gonna lie, it's going to be quite difficult, especially at the start, but when you got to do you got to do. Human are very good at adapting when it is your only choice.


Everything are going to change in a month or so, we can only plan until the day comes.

Split Second

For the next few months, the life for my family member will have huge changes. My mother has to go to Malaysia embassy and ask for a temporary passport to return to her home country. She has to apply for new valid documents there, settle down, and help me and my sister to apply, too. My father will go back with her as she is going to be scared alone in a place that she had not been seeing for 25 years. For us who are left in Singapore, we have to take care of ourselves and the house. That are going to be some plannings involved. 

Money, while my Mother is absent, 1/3 of the family income is gone. That means careful planning of the expanses cannot be avoided. She also does most of the household chore. Washing clothes, cleaning, buying the daily necessities. I'm sure with out her, there are going to be a lot of troubles surfacing that we never thought would have. 

Looking at the family, that is only one person who can arrange all these things, that person is me. That is a lot of pressure. Too many issues are coming together and there isn't much time. I know I have to come out with a plan and present to the family. But before that, I need some time to digest. The way I tackle this kind of problem is I let myself indulge in something for a few days and once I have had enough, I will just spend the whole day facing the problem seriously. 

I hope that works this time. 

When I don't talk to others, it is not because I'm angry. When I don't dress up, it is not because I'm being disrespectful. When I don't argue, it is not because I'm wrong. They are all because of laziness. I'm lazy.

I'm 25 and I don't have any certificate of any kind. My family is poor and in debt. My parents are old and not educated and cannot help the family progress. I have annoying friends. I'm bad at expressing myself. I learn things that are not mainstream. I'm being investigated by the Immigration Authority.

My point being, I'm aware of my situation. To others, I look like a pool of stagnant water right now. When comparing to their bright future, I'm the last state they want to be in. I'm aware of all of this. But what they don't know is, I have my plan, too. The reason they dunno is just because I'm not showing them and I don't intend to.

We are all human, but we all have different backgrounds and received different teachings. It would be bets in my opinion not compare against each other.


My plan probably isn't my best option, but it is what I'm happy with.

Living Death

I like to express my sense of humor whenever I have the chance and I think it is appropriate. I think that is a good way to let others know what kind of a person I am. From their reactions, I can also get some clues of who they are. This may not be the best method, I think it is close. Also to note that this method may not be suitable for everyone. 

Some people are good at it, some people are not, but there are something that just can't be joking around. Hair loss? Money? Height? For me, matter of life and death. I avoid making jokes about illness, health,accidents, terrorism, catastrophes. They are just not funny, not mater which angle you look at them. 

Of course, they are some people who think the opposite. My reactions to them when they make these kind of jokes are usually just give them a stiff laugh and make a mental note to myself that they are not going to be the person I'm interested to know more about.  

Recently, there has been a news that bothered me. A celebrity committed suicide. No big deal huh? How much can a stranger's, that you have never meet in real life, death bother you? Yes, a stranger, but not a complete one. She had been the special guest for a show that I liked a lot a couple years ago. She probably would be one of the last person you would think of when talking about self hurting. Her sudden death just made me sad. It's a pity, I think they must had been someone who could reach out to her. They missed the chance and it's gone forever. She left a posthumous papers, saying that she had been living with grieve because of criticism from the bulletin board from the internet. The papers also talked about how she was trying to fight back but with no result. She was misunderstood and ended up resort to use death to let the world know her innocence. 

The sarcastic thing is, most of us will forget what she was trying to tell with her death and continue to bring the misery to the next person. 

Can I cook?

When my sister's food store was close to my place, I frequently went there for meal. The food there weren't the best, but there was still a fish that I liked a lot. Food wasn't the reason I made the place as my primary food source, it was my sister. Because my sister works there, I could avoid the awkwardness when ordering. It probably was due to my over sensitivity to people interaction, I always got the feeling that the store owner disliked me when he or she wasn't trying to smile or speak nicely. I don't have that kind of feeling as often now, but still I want to avoid if I can. I always tried to check the people in the store before ordering to guess their attitude.

Now my sister had shifted place, I was left with two choices. Either I continue to go to stranger's store for meal or I cook for myself. I chose the latter. It has been quite fun cooking for myself, but it wasn't always the case. When things went well, I got to have a nice meal and be satisfied. When things went wrong, I ate some and throw the rest. I don't really like this. Because I was lazy to find and follow food recipe, I mostly ended with either a weird taste or bland dish. I was simply not familiar enough the basic of cooking.

I want to change that so I'll be able to grasp the basics and cook without recipe. I will try to look the net for recipe from now on.

Bread or Plain Water

Everyday, I usually sort of have a "plan" for what I'm going to do for the day. I open my eyes, prepare breakfast for myself, eat it, practice Japanese, guitar, drawing, Photoshop, exercise, writing, surfing etc. Those are the things I enjoy doing and will feel good when I completed them. I will try to follow my plan when I can, and I usually can.

Today is probably the first day since last November that I'm having a hard time catching up my routine, and I'm not feeling top pleased about it. I woke up at 8am to prepare breakfast and lunch for work. I left home for work at 915am and knocked off at 6pm. After that, I hit the Gym at 7pm for roughly 2 hours and reached home at around 10pm. I spent 30mins to clean myself and I planned to sleep at midnight. It is already 1230am now. I'm halfway done writing, there is still a couple of tasks I skipped today. I don't think I'm going to do them since they are probably going to take me two more hours and I don't like to sleep late.

So, I'm thinking, between the 8 plus hours I spent on work, maybe I can squeeze in a few tasks. I always work alone so if  the task aren't going to interrupt the work I should be fine. I also need to make sure they are done efficiently.


I always think, if my work are related to some of the tasks I'm doing everyday, it will save me a lot of time. I can work and learn at the same time. Get paid practicing your hobby, how wonderful.

Back to work

I'm feeling quite excited for my returning to work next week. I don't need to learn anything since it is my previous work. My superior asked me last week if I was able to replace his current employee for 5 days. He even stated in the message that how much I'll be getting. It is going to be a 50% increment from my previous pay. I gladly accepted the offer since I knew I would be free that week anyway.

The place that I had been working for the last 5 years is a lan gaming shop. My job was actually quite simple, basically I look after the computers, the snacks and the cash register...until the person in charged of the hygiene quit. Keeping the store clean was added to my work. Extra work doesn't mean extra money. Consider I had additional task to do, I was paid poorly. I kept quiet because I knew I wasn't going to work for much longer. It wasn't for another two years before I realized I was wrong. I resigned last November. Few days before my final day at my workplace, my superior confessed to me that they actually underpay me and if I was to come back again they will reconsider my pay. That sounds like an improvement. But that wasn't my poison. 

My job was relaxing but it was simply too boring and repetitive. I worked like a robot. I went to work lifeless, I switched on my program and let it run until time. It wasn't what I wanted if I had a choice. But I have choices now, so the chance is really close to 1% for me to go back and work. The 1% being I only have to work for 5 days. 

Freedom Wars

How much does a pound of freedom cost? I don't know, it probably cost more than what average person can afford. Most people live all of their life and never get to know it. Some people born with it, but doesn't know how to show appreciation towards it. Some, just like me, trying to work hard for it. 

From my observations, I think freedom comes in many forms. Some are easy to come by, some are harder. For example, when you are allowed to pull up from something while everyone else are not, that is freedom ;when you are allowed to say the words you want, that is freedom or when you are allowed to follow the beliefs you want, that is freedom. As for myself, the freedom I want is to be able to control my life. I want to be the person to decide how early I rise, how much I eat, how far I walk, live with the people I like, et cetera. I don't want to let others make those decision for me. I want to be the chess player, not the knight on the board. 

This is probably gonna take a long time, probably never, but I'm trying. As long I know I'm at least trying, as a human being I know I'm a little better than the average people in the world. 

Keep the change

I have always wondered since I was a kid, why couldn't my family be more financially stable. I had starved before. I had been through many a time when the whole family were only allowed to have instant noodles and eggs for meals. We were so helpless, we couldn't afford anything else. Besides food, we had issues for our shelter, too. For a family of five, I remember we had to share a nine square meter room. We were always moving around, because we couldn't come out with the money to pay the rent. There was a time, when we came home and found out that our key couldn't fit the lock. The homeowner changed the lock. We were told to pay up or leave. My sister and I were so young we couldn't help in anything financially. When our mother cried, we cried. When her knelt down, we knelt down, too. Yes, it shouldn't take a genius to figure out who was in charge of sustaining the family. It was my father. And he sucked at it. 

Our financial situation was getting better ever since I grown up, but things haven't really gotten much better.

I'm able to sustain myself from planing my expenses ahead so to not have to ask for help from others. None of my family members are doing that. They have been occasionally out of money and needed help from others. They are always in debt. I really hate when they do that. I always think, with careful planning, you can avoid loaning. I'm not saying loaning is bad, as long as you are using the money to try and make more money. Not use it to fill up the holes made from mindless spending. It will only create more holes that need to be filled. I've told them my concern, the " holes filling theory", but they seemed to not put much thought into it and continued to do it their way. 

I've not come out a way to solve the problem. Trying to be financially stable, at the same time trying to show them the way to do it is the closest thing I can think of. In the mean time, I'll just have to be annoyed and angry whenever they need help in money again. 

Love Family love

My friend is going to leave for other other country. He is planning to be away for at least a year. Along with his partner, he is going to start a new life a couple thousand kilometer away from his old life. He seem to be quite excited about this, of cause he should be. As for the people around him, I'm not too sure. 

Being the only child in the family, he was sure to feel lonesome even more after his mother left for God. But I'm sure he is not the only one. His father wasn't going to to be any less lonely than he was. His father loved his mother a lot. Probably more than my friend was (he probably has as much love for his mother as his father has now). It probably would have taken more time for the two of them to cheer up had they not have each other's support on his mother issue. Yes, it is good to still have a son when your wife is gone. But, there isn't the case anymore. 

I'm not sure if my friend has had consideration on his father feeling. I certainly have. He asked me to kindly look after his house and his father when he is not around, I agreed but I had other opinions on my mind. When something happens, that is only that much an outsider can do. Sometimes the presence of a family member helps tremendously. I just feel kind of disappointed on my friend decision on this abroad decision. 

I don't know who or what made my friend made up his mind, but I know his father loves my friend, his only son, a lot. So is my friend. As for the other person, heaven knows. 

Rainy Days

Yesterday, I went to the funeral of the founding father of Singapore, Mr. Lee Kuan yew, located at Parliament House. That were many people, all waiting to take a glimpse at the hearse coming out from the Parliament House. I arrived an hour early, together with a friend. I was actually invited by him for this event, as he is curious about the 21 gun shots, a ceremony at the funeral. The weather was getting worse, as we were getting close to the starting time. As expected by many of the people onsite (most of them brought umbrellas), it started raining. God the rain was heavy, it even broke through my friend's almighty umbrella. Both me and him were very wet when I noticed a girl standing near us seemed to be alone. She was defenseless against the weather as I failed to see an umbrella in her hand. So I made my friend notice her. As a gentleman, my friend kindly offered her some of our sheltering space. She accepted the offer after saying thanks to both of us. 

The rain was getting heavier when another girl, this time noticed by my friend, appeared alone behind us drenched and without an umbrella, too. So, he sent out the helping hand again... BOOM! Everyone were looking where the direction of the sound came from. It was from the grass field in front of the Parliament House. The ceremony has started. After a few cannon shots, the hearse was passing us. The crowd was excited. Some of the people even shouted Mr.Lee's name out loud. After that, the firing continued for 10 more minutes. People started to leave even before the firing ended when the hearse had gone. As we were leaving the two girls that we rescued said thanks and good bye to us before we went a separate ways. 

It was a definitely a unique way to spend a Sunday afternoon, especially with the girls encounter. The funeral was grand, the attendance were behaving orderly. But I saw quite a few foreign figures in the crowd. I wonder how significant is Mr. Lee to them or if they only just like to join the crowd. Most of us probably don't share the same motives being there, but nobody will know, nobody will care. 

天空开始下雨了

我撑的伞 保护了四个人

而你撑的伞 保护了五百万人

在我脸上的雨水 有多少滴是眼泪的伪装

我和你的距离 可以是天涯海角 可以只是几块木板

如果二十一声响炮 等于你存在的时间 我希望 他们可以多开几下

Pay up

Because I found my family having difficulty handling household expenses, I volunteered for the job. In turned out I wasn't much better at it than they were. I mainly manage rental fee for our house and the electric bill. I make sure they submit the money needed for them every month on time. It sounds like an easy job, especially I'm not the one submitting. Except when you don't see money by dead line. I hate having to follow up 3 times a month asking the sum. I feel as long as everyone is respecting the agreement and are well prepared before the deadline, we should not complicate something this simple. When thing like this happens, it only makes me sad.


When I'm sad, my meter level for self-control will fall. Imagine a balloon that is over-pumped, there is little room for any further expansion. I don't like being like that as it only clouded my reasons. So, I try to understand why would they do it, what is their reason for the delay? I tried to talk to them, and of course they had their reasons for it. I don't really agree with them but arguing wasn't going to bring us any further with the discussion so I kept quiet and told myself to find another angle of understanding.


After some struggling in mind, I finally able to convinced myself that they were only late on the money. As long as they still able to come out with them, on time or not, I should not be bothered too much by it.

(Continued from previous post)

We bid farewell to each other after the dinner, thinking when would be the next time we meet again.

I got a text message from an unregistered number in afternoon two days ago, asking me if I was free. I didn't have any person in my mind who the owner of the number was, until I checked the profile pic. It was him. He asked me out for lunch after I replied him that I was not occupied that afternoon. We went for Ramen. He was very enough to share his stories of success and even show the willingness to help me for my future. That was when I told him I didn't owe any certificate nor skills but was willing to learn and have been learning. We paused the topic for awhile and went for a walk at the malls. As we were walking, he continued to share his stories and experiences in the adult world. I felt like he was like a teacher to me. I don't know what kind of experience would be having a teacher teaching you new knowledge and caring for you but I think that was close. After malls, he introduced me his office(it was a public holiday, so that was no one in it). I really appreciate him showing me around the office, that made me felt like I was still a useful guy that was still valued by such a experienced guy. We talked in the office for another 20mins while he was sorting his stuffs at his desk, he proceeded to send me home.

Before we arrived at the car park at my place, he gave me some advises. He said I should start looking for some private school and get some certificates that will help in my career. He also seemed to know my financial level and was offering to help me with that.

I'm really grateful.

My fear

Are you scared of something? Is there even a person who is fearless? When a person isn't behaving the normal way, fear has got to be in charge in someway. I realized this because I've seen people like that. I'm also one of them.

I think it is actually fine to be afraid of something, if you know how to deal with it. But a lot of the time people just transform the fear into something else--hatred, jealousy and hopelessness etc. All these negative emotions are only going to make things worse, hence those regrettable news on the TV. I've always avoided to watch these news, because I know too well most of the motives were just stupid stuff that were simply developed from fear.

I guess we should all be afraid once in a while, because it isn't actually healthy if a person has no fear. That just mean the person is insensitive. Sometimes feeling scared of something is important, it makes you more aware of emergency situation. I also think that's one of the reasons people can't live without fearing something.

For me, I don't really want to be the person who has no fear. I'm more interested to be a person who understands fear and its basic structure. I feel it will have more benefits living with moderate fear than simply eliminate it and have it strike you out of sudden.

Food


Enjoyments are very easy to come by these day. They come in all sorts of forms: Cigarette, alcohol, computer games, food, sex and last but not least drugs. Most of them especially food are cheap and easy to acquire; You can get most of them in a shopping mall. I think this is going to be a serious health issue.

Usually, when we open our eyes in the morning, we brush our teeth, get changed and are ready for breakfast. We go to the food stalls, look at all the options and decide to have the one we are most craved for. That decision were done so quickly just because we can. WE DON'T THINK. This is causing many health issues on people having breakfast that are bad for health--high sugar, high in oil, high in salt.--that I think even the stall owner would not notice( Why would they?). People are getting obese because of this convenience. 

I have a few friends who do this. When I told them about the potential health issue they will have eating all this convenient food, their reactions are either ignoring me and keep eating or simply made up reasons so they can shut me up and keep eating. It is not like they are not feeling the disadvantage of their eating habit; some of them are having diarrhea regularly, become fatigue easily and having trouble gaining weight.

Only recently, have I been eating real food. I'm not gonna lie but I'm feeling the benefits already even only after three months since I consciously controlled my diet. I feel more energetic through out the day, more emotionally stable and last but not least having more confident in myself.

Is there anything we can do if we are stuck with the diet that we got used to for so long? I'm sure it is only out attitude that is stopping us. If we be more conscious about our choice of food every time we eat, we will think twice before shoving that piece of donut towards our mouth.

Do I have any tips? Yes, I have one, and I think that is all we really need--don't get hungry. What I mean is, eat when you are hungry and don't eat when you are not. How do you know if you are really hungry and not simply craving for sugar? I have a simple test: when the next time you are hungry, imagine there is an apple in front of you, do you want to eat the apple to fill your stomach? If your answer is no, that means you are just craving for food. (If you answered yes, easy,just eat apple.)


It is only normal for people to eat what they want, after all it is their body and they are the one responsible for it. I only hope they will be more honest and conscious with their choices, not trying to come out with lame excuses the next time they are entering fast food chains. 

"I wasn't aware that you were not educated."

That was the response I got from a friend of mine when I told him that I did not receive any formal education. I guess he was shocked. I met him sometime in 2004, back when we were still playing Magic: the Gathering Trading Card Game. He is 6-7 years older than me, but somehow he wouldn't mind be friend with me. Despite the significant difference in our age, we kinda like each other's way of doing and handling stuff and have been respecting each other. We play Magic together for a couple of years until we decided to move on and stop the hobby. Even since we stop meeting up, and soon he found a job and had to leave for other country because of it.

It was only last year when we meet again, at a gathering organized by another friend of mine who was also part of our Magic playgroup back then. We met for dinner at a Italian restaurant and after that a German bar for alcohol. and it felt like it was only yesterday, our appearance may have changed, but our frequency hadn't a bit. It's been 10 years and we still understand what each other is trying to say. That was a memorable night. It made me feel the wonder of friendship.


(To be continue)

I have a habit of checking out my weight after every 2 weeks or so after a work out. When every time I notice I'm moving closer to my ideal weight, which is 70kg, I feel very motivated and happy that my hard work had been paying off. Yesterday, when I found out that my weight had not been moving much, I felt kinda disappointed. I started thinking if I had been eating a bit too much, it didn't take a genius to figure out I had been. I began to order half spring chicken and oily stuff when eating out. I kept trying to keep myself from taking carbs but at the same time I should also keep an eyes on the amount of oil in a dish. It is actually fortunate for me to figure this out early so I can pay more attention on my diet.

ART

I suppose art isn't a subject that I can be proud of at the moment, but I want to learn the way of appreciating it. I thought that usually means understanding it. So I grabbed a pen and sat down in front of my computer desk and free some space up for my sketch book and my arms. On the first day, I drew some random shapes and lines. I did the same thing on the second day. The day after, I sat down and stared at my skecth book and didn't know what to draw. 15 mins later, I was still staring on the blank piece of paper on my sketch book. I wasn't motivated enough to draw consistently. That is one of the difficulties I had found when I draw. The reason for it is still a mystery to me; it is still a question that I'm still seeking an answer for. Perhaps there were too many things on my mind that made me lose my focus, I just couldn't draw consistently. I hope it isn't going to last forever; I still have faith in myself that I can draw one day.

If one morning, when I wake up and see a brand new world, I know it must have been art who have done it.
Because art is the closest thing anything could be to the human heart. I hope to express myself through art someday, I also hope this expression can be part of the ingredients to change the world.

Punctuality 

There aren't many things that will help in making my day bad, unfortunately waiting for a friend who is late is one of them. I truly despise tardiness.

My toleration for waiting a tardy friend is actually quite high; I had waited for 1 hour or more previously. Honestly I wouldn't mind to wait, but not this frequent. I know it probably isn't true, but in the midst of me sillily waiting for you, the thought that you are being disrespectful to others people time just makes me wonder if you are a self-important person. Having the chance to know a person more this way is certainly not very efficient.

 I'm sick of having to wait for you every time we have a meeting, so I decided to return you the favor, too--by reversing our role. You be the one who waits and I be the tardy friend. But there is a flaw, I don't like to play this kind of game. I like to go meet my friends relaxed, thinking of having fun etc; not having to plan this bullshit waiting game. I'm not 100% convinced that this is hurting our relationship(at least to you)in anyway, except I've become more inclined to go out with you less.

I know you have your reasons(but they are lame) for being late every time, but the thing that is bothering me is, you always have a reason.

R.I.P Mr.Lee Kuan Yew


Tomorrow is Friday. This is no ordinary Friday, it is the third day Singaporean get to pay their respect to Mr. Lee Kuan Yew at Parliament House. Mr. Lee passed away on Monday morning. I don't know much about him, maybe because I'm a failed Singaporean or simply because I'm lazy. To summarize my understanding of him, it would be "without him, Singapore wouldn't be the Singapore we know today."

Besides me, there are of course "qualified" Singapore Citizen. Unlike me, they are way more enthusiastic than me in grieving over Mr.Lee's death. Parliaments House, which is holding Mr.Lee's body, it's queue said to have been taking more than 8 hours to reach the entrance. Actually, I thought of joining the crowd, but when I heard how absurdly long the queue was, as much as I want to pay my respect to Mr.Lee, it was really tough imaging myself standing in the queue for more than 8 hours just waiting to sign my name and bow to a person's remain that I had so little understand in. This is why I have some opinions on the people who was in the queue.

The queue was long, this is a good sign, that probably meant Singaporeans are uniting. That is good for Singapore's growth. The thing is puzzling me is, how many of those have more understanding in Mr.Lee than I do? I doubt the amount would go pass 1/4 of the people queuing. Mr.Lee is 91 years old. Most of his early contribution were done more than 20 years ago. That's right, older than many of the people in the queue.
Even for the older ones, most of the contributions done by Mr.Lee were even known among those people.

So, how the hell were they willing to stuck in the queue for almost half a day? I don't have evident to support me, the following answer is just my assumption. Singaporeans are KIASU. That strange word means"afraid of losing out".

Can you imagine when you went to work on Monday and your colleague sitting beside you asked you if you were at the queue for the parliament house last week and your answer can only be no because you didn't make an effort to join the queue? Can you imagine all the people you knew on Facebook were posting their condolences, picture of themselves near Parliament house and them being part of the queue and you looked at your album all you found were the Banana Splits that you had that afternoon? No?

Congratulation, you are a qualified Singaporean.


(By no mean I'm disrespecting Singaporean or Mr.Lee's death, I just thought people should pay more attention be more aware of their intention when doing certain things.)

Emotional person, depressing people

I'm always attempting to treat each day equally, but sometimes initiative isn't on me. When that happens, depressing businesses tend to follow. This morning, the main water tap in my house is further damaged due to my father's failed attempt at fixing it the previous night. To say the least he wasn't in a very good mood since he was blamed for the failure. Anyway, he managed to have it patched before noon, and he started bragging about his success. Normally when a person does this, it is fine as long as the person knows when to stop. But my father had established many false accusation on my sisters and mother for exploiting the equipment in the house, with a yelling voice. Needless to say that let everyone in the house felt annoyed and that sets the stage for the afternoon issue.

Just when I was checking out my computer in my room, my father who went out awhile ago came back and asked me to attend to him in the living room. I know something was wrong. He started mentioning (in a shouting manner) my sisters and mother, saying that they should pay him more respect. He was very agitated and I knew argument had been made when he was outside, probably with my little sister. (hint: she doesn't like him. I also knew it must have been some sort of miscommunication errors that lead to this but I had decided last year that I would stop worrying and let them be). I interrupted him, telling him I don't wanna care anymore, and went for the door. Leaving him alone, he was even smashing things when I was outside the door.

This is just his personality, the way he handles his emotion and other's. He is old and probably don't want to admit his incapability, because it is already too late for any changes to happen anymore.

Shaping up

I've just managed to pick up my exercise habit again since I want to stay in good shape once more. I had been growing horizontally due to stress by eating whenever I like, whatever I like. It has been roughly three months from the time I made this decision and overall it have seemed to work so far. I think exercise not only helps my body to stay in good shape but it also will make me look more presentable( to my perspective, at least) thus making me more confidant interacting with others.

Challenging as staying in good shape may seems, it's really all about controlling diet and hitting gym to myself. I need to cut down on carbohydrates, but that's okay for me since I'm more a meat person than a rice person so I can just satisfy my stomach with lots of meat and it will forget what rice and noodle taste like sooner than expected. As for hitting the gym, that's also fine for me since I have more free time after quitting my job(family matters).

Yes, telling my self to take a break from computer is also an excellent motivation to keep myself away from the desk since I rely on computer so much now.

Nyan Nyan Nyan

I always want to have a pet, seeing life wouldn't be complete without one. I think there are good for a person's mental health as they act as listener (who are especially bad at talking back.) if you need one. The potential effects of their lubrication on people's relationship also can't be neglected.

The reason that is stopping me is I live with my family so I have to concern about their opinions, too. My sister has an allergic nose, it will get itched even with the slightest disturbance. If argument breaks out because of that, then the whole pet-lubricates-relationship thing would be pointless.

Besides living space, there is also financial and time issues. I think I can definitely afford the food, but having a pet doesn't mean feeding it but also taking care of their health, too. I've heard their medication are costly and at this point of time it is really out of the question for me. Time would also be an issue for me(not at the moment, though) thus I must consider thoroughly adding an extra member to my family.

 By the way, If I was allowed one I will without a doubt choose cat as my pet. (Don't you think their indifferent, uninterested and selfish behavior are so attrative?)  

Grace

A post to show my gratitude to those person around me 

Smartphones weren't this common the very last time I wrote, I weren't this fat and the world was probably more forgiving. Unquestionably, things have changed. I have changed, as well as many a person around me have. My limited comprehension of people's emotion lead me to want to start writing again. I favor showing one's gratitude towards another being as soon as you have the chance, otherwise once the chance is missed
the disappointment of the irrecoverable chance might follow one's life for a long long time.

I digress, the whole point of this resurrection of this blog was to help me on my writing skills and also help me to recognize the importance of reading. I think if I can enhance my writing skills my interest and passion for it will have positive effect too. There are also countless of books I wish I could start reading but I always prioritize other hobby over reading.

I expect consistency in my updates for this blog, something that I have been struggling with.

I'm going to start with a friend, who is a Hunter, an Assault and a Headliner.
I'm pleased to have him as friend. He is notably important when sometimes I feel disoriented, although he gives guidance unknowingly but always cherish this type of advice. He is also resourceful when it comes to directions, to me he is like a walking atlas!

When I'm showing my weakness, his recognition would be my belief and his respectful nature to friend would be my enlightenment.

Thank you, my friend.