When I don't talk to others, it is not because I'm angry. When I don't dress up, it is not because I'm being disrespectful. When I don't argue, it is not because I'm wrong. They are all because of laziness. I'm lazy.

I'm 25 and I don't have any certificate of any kind. My family is poor and in debt. My parents are old and not educated and cannot help the family progress. I have annoying friends. I'm bad at expressing myself. I learn things that are not mainstream. I'm being investigated by the Immigration Authority.

My point being, I'm aware of my situation. To others, I look like a pool of stagnant water right now. When comparing to their bright future, I'm the last state they want to be in. I'm aware of all of this. But what they don't know is, I have my plan, too. The reason they dunno is just because I'm not showing them and I don't intend to.

We are all human, but we all have different backgrounds and received different teachings. It would be bets in my opinion not compare against each other.


My plan probably isn't my best option, but it is what I'm happy with.

Living Death

I like to express my sense of humor whenever I have the chance and I think it is appropriate. I think that is a good way to let others know what kind of a person I am. From their reactions, I can also get some clues of who they are. This may not be the best method, I think it is close. Also to note that this method may not be suitable for everyone. 

Some people are good at it, some people are not, but there are something that just can't be joking around. Hair loss? Money? Height? For me, matter of life and death. I avoid making jokes about illness, health,accidents, terrorism, catastrophes. They are just not funny, not mater which angle you look at them. 

Of course, they are some people who think the opposite. My reactions to them when they make these kind of jokes are usually just give them a stiff laugh and make a mental note to myself that they are not going to be the person I'm interested to know more about.  

Recently, there has been a news that bothered me. A celebrity committed suicide. No big deal huh? How much can a stranger's, that you have never meet in real life, death bother you? Yes, a stranger, but not a complete one. She had been the special guest for a show that I liked a lot a couple years ago. She probably would be one of the last person you would think of when talking about self hurting. Her sudden death just made me sad. It's a pity, I think they must had been someone who could reach out to her. They missed the chance and it's gone forever. She left a posthumous papers, saying that she had been living with grieve because of criticism from the bulletin board from the internet. The papers also talked about how she was trying to fight back but with no result. She was misunderstood and ended up resort to use death to let the world know her innocence. 

The sarcastic thing is, most of us will forget what she was trying to tell with her death and continue to bring the misery to the next person. 

Can I cook?

When my sister's food store was close to my place, I frequently went there for meal. The food there weren't the best, but there was still a fish that I liked a lot. Food wasn't the reason I made the place as my primary food source, it was my sister. Because my sister works there, I could avoid the awkwardness when ordering. It probably was due to my over sensitivity to people interaction, I always got the feeling that the store owner disliked me when he or she wasn't trying to smile or speak nicely. I don't have that kind of feeling as often now, but still I want to avoid if I can. I always tried to check the people in the store before ordering to guess their attitude.

Now my sister had shifted place, I was left with two choices. Either I continue to go to stranger's store for meal or I cook for myself. I chose the latter. It has been quite fun cooking for myself, but it wasn't always the case. When things went well, I got to have a nice meal and be satisfied. When things went wrong, I ate some and throw the rest. I don't really like this. Because I was lazy to find and follow food recipe, I mostly ended with either a weird taste or bland dish. I was simply not familiar enough the basic of cooking.

I want to change that so I'll be able to grasp the basics and cook without recipe. I will try to look the net for recipe from now on.

Bread or Plain Water

Everyday, I usually sort of have a "plan" for what I'm going to do for the day. I open my eyes, prepare breakfast for myself, eat it, practice Japanese, guitar, drawing, Photoshop, exercise, writing, surfing etc. Those are the things I enjoy doing and will feel good when I completed them. I will try to follow my plan when I can, and I usually can.

Today is probably the first day since last November that I'm having a hard time catching up my routine, and I'm not feeling top pleased about it. I woke up at 8am to prepare breakfast and lunch for work. I left home for work at 915am and knocked off at 6pm. After that, I hit the Gym at 7pm for roughly 2 hours and reached home at around 10pm. I spent 30mins to clean myself and I planned to sleep at midnight. It is already 1230am now. I'm halfway done writing, there is still a couple of tasks I skipped today. I don't think I'm going to do them since they are probably going to take me two more hours and I don't like to sleep late.

So, I'm thinking, between the 8 plus hours I spent on work, maybe I can squeeze in a few tasks. I always work alone so if  the task aren't going to interrupt the work I should be fine. I also need to make sure they are done efficiently.


I always think, if my work are related to some of the tasks I'm doing everyday, it will save me a lot of time. I can work and learn at the same time. Get paid practicing your hobby, how wonderful.

Back to work

I'm feeling quite excited for my returning to work next week. I don't need to learn anything since it is my previous work. My superior asked me last week if I was able to replace his current employee for 5 days. He even stated in the message that how much I'll be getting. It is going to be a 50% increment from my previous pay. I gladly accepted the offer since I knew I would be free that week anyway.

The place that I had been working for the last 5 years is a lan gaming shop. My job was actually quite simple, basically I look after the computers, the snacks and the cash register...until the person in charged of the hygiene quit. Keeping the store clean was added to my work. Extra work doesn't mean extra money. Consider I had additional task to do, I was paid poorly. I kept quiet because I knew I wasn't going to work for much longer. It wasn't for another two years before I realized I was wrong. I resigned last November. Few days before my final day at my workplace, my superior confessed to me that they actually underpay me and if I was to come back again they will reconsider my pay. That sounds like an improvement. But that wasn't my poison. 

My job was relaxing but it was simply too boring and repetitive. I worked like a robot. I went to work lifeless, I switched on my program and let it run until time. It wasn't what I wanted if I had a choice. But I have choices now, so the chance is really close to 1% for me to go back and work. The 1% being I only have to work for 5 days. 

Freedom Wars

How much does a pound of freedom cost? I don't know, it probably cost more than what average person can afford. Most people live all of their life and never get to know it. Some people born with it, but doesn't know how to show appreciation towards it. Some, just like me, trying to work hard for it. 

From my observations, I think freedom comes in many forms. Some are easy to come by, some are harder. For example, when you are allowed to pull up from something while everyone else are not, that is freedom ;when you are allowed to say the words you want, that is freedom or when you are allowed to follow the beliefs you want, that is freedom. As for myself, the freedom I want is to be able to control my life. I want to be the person to decide how early I rise, how much I eat, how far I walk, live with the people I like, et cetera. I don't want to let others make those decision for me. I want to be the chess player, not the knight on the board. 

This is probably gonna take a long time, probably never, but I'm trying. As long I know I'm at least trying, as a human being I know I'm a little better than the average people in the world. 

Keep the change

I have always wondered since I was a kid, why couldn't my family be more financially stable. I had starved before. I had been through many a time when the whole family were only allowed to have instant noodles and eggs for meals. We were so helpless, we couldn't afford anything else. Besides food, we had issues for our shelter, too. For a family of five, I remember we had to share a nine square meter room. We were always moving around, because we couldn't come out with the money to pay the rent. There was a time, when we came home and found out that our key couldn't fit the lock. The homeowner changed the lock. We were told to pay up or leave. My sister and I were so young we couldn't help in anything financially. When our mother cried, we cried. When her knelt down, we knelt down, too. Yes, it shouldn't take a genius to figure out who was in charge of sustaining the family. It was my father. And he sucked at it. 

Our financial situation was getting better ever since I grown up, but things haven't really gotten much better.

I'm able to sustain myself from planing my expenses ahead so to not have to ask for help from others. None of my family members are doing that. They have been occasionally out of money and needed help from others. They are always in debt. I really hate when they do that. I always think, with careful planning, you can avoid loaning. I'm not saying loaning is bad, as long as you are using the money to try and make more money. Not use it to fill up the holes made from mindless spending. It will only create more holes that need to be filled. I've told them my concern, the " holes filling theory", but they seemed to not put much thought into it and continued to do it their way. 

I've not come out a way to solve the problem. Trying to be financially stable, at the same time trying to show them the way to do it is the closest thing I can think of. In the mean time, I'll just have to be annoyed and angry whenever they need help in money again.