Longing for benevolence

Yesterday, I didn't write the 500 words solely because I didn't want to write for the sake to write. Probably also because I was being lazy. In the end I succumbed to my sloth. I still yearn to write better, to speak clearer. I've become accustomed to my lack of writing skill; I'm always fearful to learn to write better. My resolution is set, I yearn to write better.

I arrived at my office 1 hour earlier than my work time. No one was in the office of course, I was alone. Like I've always been. I turned on the air-conditioner, lowered the temperature to 22c, was kinda a hoping the changes in temperature would modify my mood. It so far hasn't seen to be effective yet. It is 9am and my work has started. A goal of 3 hours of reading stands before me, I hope I can yield.

Nancy came after me, followed by June, Dorothea and Susan. All of which are quite talkative, I am contented to just listening to their topics as I wasn't in a mood to chat. I prefer some noise in my office environment but most of the people don't seem to agree with me. The silence in the office have always made me feel sleepy.

It's almost 10am, everyone have arrived. Most of us are waiting for lunch time, from when we can take a short break. I feel so sleepy right now, but I want to continue reading.

Susan and May were having conversation in the office, sometimes loud and sometimes soft. Their words were hard to distinguish, not that I put any effort in it. I just felt delighted to have some form of noises in the office.That at least could keep me awake till afternoon comes. By the way, June couldn't join them because there were speaking in Mandarin.

I just got a message from my mother, saying my father is agonizing over this month rent. It is happening again. No matter how hard I try, it was futile. My disgust towards my father hasn't diminish a bit. I don't yearn for a distinguished father, but all he does is whine. He wishfully thinks that he has done will be atoned passively. He is ashamed, only once in a while. He is always giving promises he cannot fulfill. I disdain his character. He always have reasons, but to me his theories all indefensible. At the peak of his age, he was unrelenting. He didn't give a shit to his family. My mother had a very harsh time bring my and my sisters up. At this point of his life, he still hasn't got any idea the preoccupation issues we are having. He only adds to the already immense burden me and my sisters have. He doesn't reflect himself. His repentance was nowhere to be found.

He has been working for 3 months and his financial problem hasn't relieved a bit. He is always asking the kids for money. It is shameful.

Day 1, 500words

Om.

I’m going to start the habit to write everyday starting today. Each article has to be 500 words at least. At the same time, I’m also going to pick up the habit to read once again. I’ll be writing consciously,  by using all the English vocabularies I learnt. I always yearn for a good self expressing skill. I’m able to comprehend things quickly, but sometimes I find myself in vain when I try to explain them to the other.

( I realized it’s only 98 words by the end of this sentence, maybe I’m pushing too hard. )

Melvin is the head of the company, I’d even go as far as to say that without him it’ll cease to exist. He is a very knowledgeable guy and is also a very hardworking one. I’ve been with the company for 3 months when tomorrow comes, I’ve hardly seen any sloth from him. He’s married and he has his personal affair to worry but he’s always caring about the company. Fearful of his health, I sure hope he’ll slow it down a bit. But people are insatiable, some in the company don’t know it’s constraint, they keep asking it for more. So what if they have a lot of money? They’ll just squander them away in no time. It’s an immense amount of time an effort to keep a company running, and they are squeezing every bit of them left out of it. Just the thought of it is repulsive.  Their attitude change when the company forsakes them, when the time comes it’s all too late.

( Almost, hang in there, Tom.)

Recently, my childhood friend just quit his daytime job to start his own business, inviting all the capable people to help. I’m to be his anchored host for his show. (Yes, he is starting a TV programme. ) Naturally, he’s the producer of the show, his wife, back up anchored host. (Also yes, I’d like to think myself as the main anchored host thank you very much.) Even though I’ve never been one, but I’m not fearful, my dormant eccentric self’s always open to take on anything. Mainly things that aren’t going to shorten my lifespan. (Well, technically everything  we do shorten our lifespan, but you get the idea.) Also I’m a potato couch, oh no, I should say had been a potato couch. Before my PC there was only a TV set that connected me to the outside world. Yes, not even a telephone. It was that time, consisted entirely of my childhood, that made me watched an immense amount of TV shows. I learnt what reactions would occur when the hosts said something. I know what was welcome to say and the forbidden words. I know the important thing, the trifle matters. Imperceptibly, I thought I knew everything about a TV show.

Yes, some people are gifted, congratulations. But like the rest of our kind, that, I believe that was the only way to shine. Om. Om. 

Building blocks

I think I should evaluate the things that I think are important in my life. Because life is really short, it doesn't leave you much time after most of it are used on things that don't make you. I have a vision of myself, albeit not a very clear one at the moment, what I wanna be. To achieve that final product, I need to lay everything that occupy my time at this point of life on a table and filter out those that are essentially not a potential building blocks for it. After that, let my life go on without them. No question asked, no guilt and be focus on everything I will be doing.

kunmut

I want to live the way i want, what I want isn't very hard why cant I live the way I want. Why am I paying the debt for what others have done, why cant he understgand, cadoes he think he deserve it since he is old already
isn't that unfair?
sometimes i hope he dies or go somethwere ther is out of my range, i truky odont want to see him anywmore
no matter what other says, i don vxare,
he is been too selfish,
and he doesn't even know that and continue to act like what
 mi f i hvea choice  i really dont want to face it
i dont know myi dont know if my limit is near, i dont know how much longer i can hoold, this is getting tough,
i want to do the things i want, i want to start doing th ethigns i want, i dont want to take care of the people i dont like,
 i dont like him, i dont like her
but i culd bring my sel,f to abandon them,, i still need their help
afte that i will llive the life i want,
really
really...

Black Jack

I don't know why I didn't suggest a cheaper dinner today, probably I was afraid to be the spoiler. One of the things that help in having a healthy friendship to always have a good mood when going out together. Having a person in a group of friends who always have an opinion against everyone else is one of the worst thing that can happen and I surely don't want to be that guy. That makes my decision making sometime against my own will. Going out with friends is nice and all, especially when I think I learn something at the end of the day. It becomes less nice when I think I've wasted the trip. Both time and money. That's when I think going out with friends isn't so attractive to me. The problem is, you only know if you have gained anything after you are home by the end of the day. There are so many thigns that can happen that will make the tirp worthwhile at the same time there are also as many things that can ruin it. It's like a gamble, the safe way to handle it is to always have enough for yourself, in this case, time and money, before you can start to try your luck on it.

Reflection

I feel like this is a place for me to ask for forgiveness. It's like a place to talk to myself, and I don't like to talk about positive things here, so that makes it an exit for my negative emotions. By no mean that is a bad thing, thought I should just make it clear. I'm not as negative as I think.

About 3 hours ago I downloaded MTGO, again, and spent around $16 on it. Not a lot I know, relatively speaking, it is. Is there any reason that made me spend that much? Yes, I want to remind myself once again the commitment I need to put on playing Magic again. The urge was getting huge and I need a reminded again. I reckoned Magic Online could be a good candidate as it is quite convenient. And so I did. Yeah I did a draft, played round 1 and lost. I felt that was enough for me. I don't have the money and don't want to spend my time on it. I won't feel right about doing it. Magic is a great game, I would recommend anyone who wants to table top game and also have a lot of time to spend. I had already had my share of Magic 10 years ago so I would rather spent on something else to make up for that. Phew, I feel better now to reflect on myself.

Video editing

Finally I managed to get my hands on video editing, I got to admit it was certainly my thing as I like to create stuff. I've been quite curious on how special effects were applied to films and how cool it would be to create my own. So I made a video while playing around the settings, it really was quite an interesting experience. I would like to make more but I don't have anything that can reliably record movies so it would require me to use other people's footage if I want to make a movie. The one I made was using pure photos so I wasn't really able to touch on the video settings.

Finally I bought a drawing tablet, it was a second hand and the cheapest model, so far, I like using it. 

我希望可以因为他的便利而更勤奋的画画，接下来我想我还是会继续创造。我也希望我可以更有条理的写作。