Best invention are done by worst intentions.

Chill, I'm gonna take go out and take some photo tomorrow. I think late afternoon, somewhere between 4pm-6pm, is a good timing for the plan. I've gotta find a theme to go along with it, though, I'm trying to not just take photos, but make them. Because when I think of how Maurice see his photography, he always let his camera and lens take charge on how his photos turn out to look. Basically, what I'm trying to say is that if he hands his photography gears to another person, who at least knows how to press the shutter button, the shot that will be taken will more or less look the same. The photography online lessons I've been attending in the past 2 weeks have thought me that every good photos have a story to tell. The photographer is the author of the story, he must carefully write it, make sure its sentences flow smoothly, are passing a clear message. Yes, sometimes the camera and the lens will get everything right, which surprises even the photographer itself. But good photos are the ones followed closely the intentions of the photographers. The viewers reaction should be more or less be predicted by the person who shot it, or even before he did.

Puzzled Maze

I feel so uneasy with my father and decong around, that seem to spoil the balance of the peacefulness in my house. I feel restrained with them around, so strange. They are by no mean strangers to me, but I just can't bring myself to talk to them sincerely. I usually want to complete my daily tasks when I have free time , but with them around I have so much more to worry. I gotta change this situation, else it will hinder my training. Like now, I'm writing just to make myself follow my training schedule, it should continue no matter what is stopping it. After this, I'm planning to do one more thing. Maybe listen to some music and read for 20 mins, or play my FF13-2, yeah, probably that. I'm quite inclined to watch some Premier pro, inDesign, or Photography videos but I have watched a couple of them already this afternoon, so I'm probably not going to until tomorrow. I think I also have some tasks to complete, I can find them in my to do list. I better sort them out or else they gonna get piled up. That's cool, I get to sort my thoughts within 20 mins, I plan to spend a whole afternoon to concentrate on that task. Most likely gonna do it in Starbucks, ones with outdoor sit so I can observe people, observe life. Slow down, think, slow down even further. That is a luxury to me, I, like most people at this age, am occupied with 1 too many worries to slam the break. I like to think, I also like to think why I think. Sometimes I think before I realised why or how I think, I like to know the causes. By writing them down is the best way I can think of, there are probably a better way out there, but I just gonna try to write them down once before I start judging which is the winner.

Yeah, write them down, think, write more of them down so I can interpret them visually, to see what is not necessary, keep the gem, streamline my thought process.

You've got a message!

I went to sleep last night with very little hope that I could wake up refreshed. Surprisingly I was wrong, it was not as bad as I predicted before I sleep, although it was pretty bad. Energy surrounded me were having a hard time finding an entrance into my body shell. They were absolutely there, I could feel their presence, just that the locks that guarded the entrance were too solid. Admittedly, no matter how stubborn a lock wants to be, if can be opened with the right key. With the aforementioned key, I can let the energy not go to waste, but my mind was rejecting the search for it as well. 

Okay, so no energy for me before lunch, I gave in and accepted the fate. My body had switched to auto-pilot mode to conserve the isolated energy within it, my mind drifted along. I had very little memory of what went passed in front of me, they were light flash light at maximum power, too bright be accepted by my eyes's pupils. The only thing that made an impression to me during the train ride to office, was a white lady who sat beside me. Her figure was quite slim, we didn't need to fight for room in our sit. Nothing special, except that out elbows touched each other's unnecessarily. 

Was she trying to send a message? 

Happy Chinese New Year 2016!

When you are alone, festivals don't bring you the same amount of joy as they do to the companied. People like to get confirmed on their idea, when you are alone and you are feeling positively, you need somebody else beside yourself to also tell you they are feeling the same way, too. Without them, your joy wouldn't be complete, because you are not sure if it is really what you feel like, or is it just you hallucinating. Some people feel a affirmation by a person is good enough, some need more. I am the former. True screams are buried under false music. 

This year's CNY is very unique to me and my sisters, because our parents are celebrating over Malaysia while we are doing it in Singapore. Even for me, who can be quite emotional but stays logical most of the time, the separation feel kinda tough. I hope my parents would not get too emotional over there, hope Teck Cong's sister will do a good job making them forget about the tough time we are going through now. 

After CNY, life will be back to normal for a while, I hope our things will get sort out by end of this year, or even before the start of June.

Work, happily

It's a good thing to be doing something, but it's a better thing to be doing something for people you like. At work, especially, the people who you would be doing things for aren't always gonna be the most worthy of your service. Don't get me wrong, you would still complete your job, but how much satisfaction would you get out from it? Of course, when you can't control the person you work for, that usually means it is also out of the question to talk about it with anyone at work. Most of your potential listeners would have been seasoned, trying to get a piglet airborne will be easier than have one of them agree on your complains.

Not to say that you are alone on facing this, at least not during office hour and in the office. I hope your world doesn't just consist of your colleagues and your boss. You should still have people to talk to outside during non-office hour, they probably will do a better job than your co-workers. Well, what if the people you meet at office are your world? Can you know beforehand that if these people are worth your time?

Unfortunately, I doubt there is a fool-proof way to tell it, you really have got to be part of them before their true faces are unveiled. I also don't encourage you to follow the " if you can't beat them, join them." strategy, being part of them will only make things worst for the next person.

The best solution, in my opinion, is choose another job, and never ever surrender yourself to one if you find no pleasure in your work.

Rope, nope

I'm at work, I'm supposed to look occupied with work. Mostly, I can't do the things I wish to do. I have to resort to secondary options like going to toilet, chit chat with colleagues, reading in a unconfortable manners. I'm not allow to sing, listen to music with out earphone, or do cleaning. I have to get ready anytime during work hour in the office which seems pointless to me. I'm waiting for orders from people I don't know, pretend to speak in the most professional and boring way I can think of. Emotionless, like a zombie. All because of money. For survivability. We were asked to do so. Do we have a choice? I believe yes. We are just not willing to step out of our comfort zone. We hate uncertainty, we want to feel safe, even if we risk sacrificing many more. We often get something big, but what we don't know is we are stopped from getting something bigger the smaller thing are too close to us, too close to our eyes and blocked our view or the bigger objects. Step back a bit, leave everything else where they are, you are deserved to see more things even bigger across the horizon.
Often time we don't have the courage to do so, even I who are constantly thinking of this, I need more than courage to do it. I'm not alone, there are several people with me looking at the smaller object at the same distance. What If I step back and they don't? Are they gonna believe me what I see? You have  ways to make sure they do. You can sever your connection with them, so you won't have to explain what you see because you are not obliged to do so anymore nor they have any intention to know. The other one is you can tighten the rope that are tying you all together, so when you step back you pull them along as well and none of them will see different thing than you do. I don't know which one is the preferred way to do, nor which are more superior than the other. It's all up to personal preference, the one who are responsible are yourself. Choose, stick to it and be responsible is what every man, no, every human being should do. Don't live in other people's shadow or decision. Live yours, sever or tighten the rope is your choice. You are probably not the only person who are troubled with it, the other also have the cut or tighten dilemma, you can be the executor or be executed. You can also turn on passive mode all the way and eventually you will be left with yourself. That is essentially sever mode, but not actually, because you didn't make any choice so you are not responsible to anything. As far as my understanding goes, try to avoid that situation, that is not going to sculpt you in any way. Be active, take action. Good luck!

Let's do it

It has been 20 days since my last entry, "I've been busy lately." is my reason. But in reality, I'm not actually telling the truth. Yes, my tasks in hand had grown since the last 6 months, I no longer have the privilege to daydream. But yet, they haven't deprived me of mine sleep time, what have was the amount of time I procrastinate. I have been doing that a lot, when ever I stop to take a breath, sitting in front of a PC not doing work related things, and/or when I have a lot of free time. That is not good, because when I don't have much time left for non-work related stuff, I have no time, and when I do have some time, I have little. THAT IS NOT HEALTHY. I just need to talk myself out of it, stop thinking that I still have a lot of chance to do them and I should focus on things that pleasure me. I DON'T. When I think some thing isn't done, I should get it done, not set it aside for later. Because that is how time is wasted, we should not be wasting any time doing things that don't benefit us. Every actions, every thoughts must come with reasons. Not because I think I "should", "it is the safest", or "I don't have time to think over the rest of the options." Do it immediately, or when the next possible time appear. Not leave it to the future. The "you" now and the future "you" are the same "you." That is no reason for us to think that the future "you" won't mind the things the present you do now. Only them our mind can then be free, resulting more time to think straight. Everything get done, less worries. There is a dreaded cycle, "you need to do something, leave it for later,later, leave it for later again," eventually they just heaped up so much that it become a daunting task just to think of it, and when you are not thinking about it it heaps up even more and you want to think of it even less. Eventually you forget about it. When it comes back to haunt you, the mass if so large that you simply won't be able to take it. And the cycle begins, and sooner or later it's size are so massive that you stop doing meaningful things. Your life become bad, stale, stinky, when you realise something is wrong, that's nothing you can do about it. Be thoughtful, fix the problem immediately, live good life, be responsible to yourself so you can do it to the people around you. Smile, everyday, everywhere, anytime.


Love, Peace, Hope, and Dream.