随波逐流

我想加强我的表达能力，我总觉得从我嘴里出来的和我脑袋里想的不一样。就像今天我觉得作者也不对做那也不对。我就像一个充了气的球一样，一被触碰就爆炸。我不知道我在说什么，我不想和人打交道。我中觉得在浪费时间。我想旅行，想到世界的很多地方流浪。可是我没有能力，我很恨自己的无能为力。可是我又不想过着舒适的生活。那不是我的目标。我会后悔。我知道。我想做可是我在拖延时间。我想过自己的生活。我想无依无靠。我也想不被依赖。 像风一样四处流浪。我想创作。可是我静不下来。这世界它多诱惑而我有没有信心去抗拒。我怕抗拒了我会疯掉。我只能随波逐流。我想开始什么，可是我又害怕不能结束他，怕我的信心会动摇。我好像整理整理我的想法，如果可以把它们都摆出来就好了。我有事都不知道自己在想什么要什么。我希望可以了解自己多一点，加油。

Road Block

I'm about to finish my FF13's main story, I don't know if I should continue with the sidestory or not. The reason for not wanting to continue is I thought I would have an easier time to concentrate on other tasks. I think my life has come to a point that time is a luxury to me. I shouldn't be spending time on "games". I'm kind of struggling, because I want Final Fantasy to be part of my life.

I think my father has be coming more unpredictable to the extent that is quite troubling to get along with. He started work, it is actually quite normal at this era to be still working at his age, but his health is also a concern. He simply can't make decisions for the family, he can't make decisions that affect people other than himself. Either he doesn't know this fact or he doesn't want to admit it. That makes him think that he has everything covered, when things don't go the way he wants, he freaks out and starting releasing all his negative emotions that have little or no connection to the issues at hand. He is one of those people that is very hard to talk to because he only has his own explanation and won't accept people's opinions. It's is inappropriate to say the least, but the family would have been better without him, for now, it's probably too late. I don't want anything bad happen to him of course, at the same time I also want family's harmony and he is going to be the road block at long as I can tell.

拖延症

这几天感觉没什么精力，可能是因为吃多了重口味的东西，少吃了蔬菜肠胃负荷不了。用了两天的休息日来休息感觉比较好了。下星期开始可以吃回我自己准备的东西了。

在周末花了几个小时来准备下星期要吃的东西。为什么不好好休息呢？我想是因为吃自己准备的东西会有成就感。因为开心累一点也没关系。

跟同事感情跟好了，也开始加了FB好友，总觉得现在的我处理新的人际关系更加成熟了，不会再对朋友胡思乱想让自己不开心了。

原本要去上日文课的，到最后反悔了。觉得应该省下学费然后自修。只要有心，哪里都可以学语言。

越来越发现拖延症不可取了，要克制自己。我想睡了，但因为拖延症我还有一部电影还没看完。

晚安。

Multitasks

My mind has been quite occupied with stuffs lately. I seemed to have many things I want to do this past week, and I actually went ahead and finished most of them. (I ditched some impractical ones, like filling out lyrics of a song.) That actually made me quite satisfied with myself. I dislike wasting time, I feel like I put my time to full use last week and that made me feel good.

The incident last weekend made the following Monday terrible for me, as I kept thinking about it the whole day. I managed to pull through, and the rest of the week was quite peaceful for me. I had many thing planned when I got my first salary. I had to make every penny counts as I didn't deserve much. I'm going to make my self worth more at the same time enjoy the process. I don't want to earn money like a droid. 

I'm starting to feel like since my thoughts are starting to get crowded with stuffs I want to do, I don't have much else for other tasks, like my reacting and expressing my thoughts. I'm sure working on those issues. I want to spend least effort for expressions at the same time being able to convey them surely. 

Ka-boom

After quite a long period of peacefulness in my family, I knew I didn't have to wait to long for another conflict. It happened yesterday, and it changed everything.

It started just between two people, soon it involved everyone. (Including me, though not directly.)
It shouldn't have and shouldn't be affecting everyone. The reason it was having an easy time putting everyone involved is because in our family, there are too many mines between one another through the years. To say the least, we weren't really feel together. Most of us hadn't been treating each other as family. We've only been doing what is just enough to avoid conflict withing the house. I already knew about this issue since I was still a kid. I also didn't foresee this to change anytime soon, or it ever will. Most of us, at least for the youngs, are just waiting.

We are waiting to get out of the house. To leave the "family". We are just a bunch of extremely dry wood, even a tiny spark will ignite us. We need some moisture that we will never be able to get if we stick together. That sounds sad, just like most of the truths are.

Tasker

It's been a tough week. I kinda lost my focus on most things. I'm still trying to figure out the work I need to do at my job. So far not much have passed on to me as I'm still a newbie at this job. 

So, whenever I turn on my PC in the morning at office, I start to wander how I'm gonna spend my next 9 hours there. I usually start checking Email, wait for my superior to reach office, when I feel he doesn't want me for any task, I start my morning software lesson. I spend the hours before lunch researching the softwares, try to get myself familiar with them as soon as possible. Then I lunch, there's when the challenge comes. I NEED something to do before knocking off.

I spend this past weekend trying to think of some tasks to do after my lunch time at office. I kinda skip the usual entertainments like videos or games as I don't want to spend the time unproductively. I ended up decided on reading and drawing. These are the things I will do if I'm not working. 

I just thought of writing might be a potential candidate also, we will see. 

如果还有如果

你在我面前伪装，逼得我也在你面前强颜欢笑。我不开口，你也不开口。你到极限的时候，可以变得脆弱。我到极限的时候，只能接受你的脆弱。而你的脆弱，可以换来答案。我的脆弱，只能换来更多的脆弱。你还有我，我谁都没有。我其实不想再给你找答案了，可我的良心却一次次的说服了我。

我不敢在一个人的时候想到你，因为那只会提醒我其实有多恨你。对，恨。五年前我以为事情明朗了以后我会不再恨你。我高估了自己。只要一想到我们现在的情况，我怪你，我只想怪你。。。

我只能怪你。