Reflection

I feel like this is a place for me to ask for forgiveness. It's like a place to talk to myself, and I don't like to talk about positive things here, so that makes it an exit for my negative emotions. By no mean that is a bad thing, thought I should just make it clear. I'm not as negative as I think.

About 3 hours ago I downloaded MTGO, again, and spent around $16 on it. Not a lot I know, relatively speaking, it is. Is there any reason that made me spend that much? Yes, I want to remind myself once again the commitment I need to put on playing Magic again. The urge was getting huge and I need a reminded again. I reckoned Magic Online could be a good candidate as it is quite convenient. And so I did. Yeah I did a draft, played round 1 and lost. I felt that was enough for me. I don't have the money and don't want to spend my time on it. I won't feel right about doing it. Magic is a great game, I would recommend anyone who wants to table top game and also have a lot of time to spend. I had already had my share of Magic 10 years ago so I would rather spent on something else to make up for that. Phew, I feel better now to reflect on myself.

Video editing

Finally I managed to get my hands on video editing, I got to admit it was certainly my thing as I like to create stuff. I've been quite curious on how special effects were applied to films and how cool it would be to create my own. So I made a video while playing around the settings, it really was quite an interesting experience. I would like to make more but I don't have anything that can reliably record movies so it would require me to use other people's footage if I want to make a movie. The one I made was using pure photos so I wasn't really able to touch on the video settings.

Finally I bought a drawing tablet, it was a second hand and the cheapest model, so far, I like using it. 

我希望可以因为他的便利而更勤奋的画画，接下来我想我还是会继续创造。我也希望我可以更有条理的写作。

一个人

哈哈，我实在不了解在自己，一下子想作这，一下子想做那。我想要矮一点的桌子，我想买一些东西可是我又不想花钱，怎么可能。想做的事情我想去做，不然我不知道自己是真的喜欢还是只是想而已。我想做影片，拍照，画画，赚钱。我有太多顾虑了，我想知道怎样静下来。我想要自己一个人，靠自己就好。比较踏实。

随波逐流

我想加强我的表达能力，我总觉得从我嘴里出来的和我脑袋里想的不一样。就像今天我觉得作者也不对做那也不对。我就像一个充了气的球一样，一被触碰就爆炸。我不知道我在说什么，我不想和人打交道。我中觉得在浪费时间。我想旅行，想到世界的很多地方流浪。可是我没有能力，我很恨自己的无能为力。可是我又不想过着舒适的生活。那不是我的目标。我会后悔。我知道。我想做可是我在拖延时间。我想过自己的生活。我想无依无靠。我也想不被依赖。 像风一样四处流浪。我想创作。可是我静不下来。这世界它多诱惑而我有没有信心去抗拒。我怕抗拒了我会疯掉。我只能随波逐流。我想开始什么，可是我又害怕不能结束他，怕我的信心会动摇。我好像整理整理我的想法，如果可以把它们都摆出来就好了。我有事都不知道自己在想什么要什么。我希望可以了解自己多一点，加油。

Road Block

I'm about to finish my FF13's main story, I don't know if I should continue with the sidestory or not. The reason for not wanting to continue is I thought I would have an easier time to concentrate on other tasks. I think my life has come to a point that time is a luxury to me. I shouldn't be spending time on "games". I'm kind of struggling, because I want Final Fantasy to be part of my life.

I think my father has be coming more unpredictable to the extent that is quite troubling to get along with. He started work, it is actually quite normal at this era to be still working at his age, but his health is also a concern. He simply can't make decisions for the family, he can't make decisions that affect people other than himself. Either he doesn't know this fact or he doesn't want to admit it. That makes him think that he has everything covered, when things don't go the way he wants, he freaks out and starting releasing all his negative emotions that have little or no connection to the issues at hand. He is one of those people that is very hard to talk to because he only has his own explanation and won't accept people's opinions. It's is inappropriate to say the least, but the family would have been better without him, for now, it's probably too late. I don't want anything bad happen to him of course, at the same time I also want family's harmony and he is going to be the road block at long as I can tell.

拖延症

这几天感觉没什么精力，可能是因为吃多了重口味的东西，少吃了蔬菜肠胃负荷不了。用了两天的休息日来休息感觉比较好了。下星期开始可以吃回我自己准备的东西了。

在周末花了几个小时来准备下星期要吃的东西。为什么不好好休息呢？我想是因为吃自己准备的东西会有成就感。因为开心累一点也没关系。

跟同事感情跟好了，也开始加了FB好友，总觉得现在的我处理新的人际关系更加成熟了，不会再对朋友胡思乱想让自己不开心了。

原本要去上日文课的，到最后反悔了。觉得应该省下学费然后自修。只要有心，哪里都可以学语言。

越来越发现拖延症不可取了，要克制自己。我想睡了，但因为拖延症我还有一部电影还没看完。

晚安。

Multitasks

My mind has been quite occupied with stuffs lately. I seemed to have many things I want to do this past week, and I actually went ahead and finished most of them. (I ditched some impractical ones, like filling out lyrics of a song.) That actually made me quite satisfied with myself. I dislike wasting time, I feel like I put my time to full use last week and that made me feel good.

The incident last weekend made the following Monday terrible for me, as I kept thinking about it the whole day. I managed to pull through, and the rest of the week was quite peaceful for me. I had many thing planned when I got my first salary. I had to make every penny counts as I didn't deserve much. I'm going to make my self worth more at the same time enjoy the process. I don't want to earn money like a droid. 

I'm starting to feel like since my thoughts are starting to get crowded with stuffs I want to do, I don't have much else for other tasks, like my reacting and expressing my thoughts. I'm sure working on those issues. I want to spend least effort for expressions at the same time being able to convey them surely.